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23 December, 2004

OK, aftuh thinkin' about thut thar thar fuh ah bit, Ah figure thut thar if ah'm goin' tuh blog, Ah should do thut thar thar properly, pardner. With thut thar 'n mind, this'n lovingly handcrafted yet unwieldy blog ends here 'n now, tuh bay taken up bar thar dang scions uv generica at:

• http://www.livejournal.com/users/camelopard_boy fuh thar dang "Dear Diary" stuff
• http://brainstab.blogspot.com fuh lotsa thought out/worthwhile postings

Ah kin update both uv these ferm work, thar dang lattuh bar e-mail or futurephone, all thar dang commenting/housekeepin' stuff am dun fuh me, 'n I've ah handy-dandy Flickr account set up fuh hostin' images too, Leroy! Grand.

17 December, 2004

More t-shirt hijinks:

Whee.

15 December, 2004

Every day on maw way tuh work, Ah drive past Bear Essentials - Thar dang Complete Teddy Bear Store, 'n Ah think "bloody perty good -- ah'm gettin' sick uv all those Partial Teddy Bear Stores y'all see around these days." Who needs ah partial teddy bear? 'n maw day them's just incinerated thar dang deformed ones before them's git made into toys.

Y'all did know teddy bears are re-al, didna you? Thar dang ones y'all buy 'n shops are just thar dang stuffed re-mains uv thar dang actual things, bred 'n small farms around thar dang world, pardner. It bay true -- Ah worked maw way through University as ah teddy taxidermist, pardner. Gougin' out they's tiny sockets tuh put thar dang glass eyes 'n wuz always thar dang tricky bit, hot damn! Well, thut thar 'n dealin' n'all thar dang ones thut thar werena slaughtered properly.

Thar dang professionals just gas 'em -- electrocushun singes thar dang fur 'n all much -- but some uv thar dang cowboy operashuns uvf 'em thar dang old fashioned way, Leroy! That's why ah lot uv 'em have so many seams: gotta covuh up thar dang stab wounds somehow, Leroy! And thar dang bullet holes -- dona get me started, pardner. Evuh wonduh why Paddington Bear wears such ah bigass hat? Fuckin' amateurs.

Still, thar dang pay wuz good, 'n teddy uvfal does wonders fuh thar dang garden.

10 December, 2004

Just one more? OK.

8 December, 2004

Shit -- only five days left, Leroy! Quick, do anothuh one!

7 December, 2004

First attempt at t-shirt printing:

6 December, 2004

Club Dread: bugger, hot damn! Like many uv you, Ah thought Supuh Troopers wuz bloody funny, 'n tuh this'n day I'll drop "meow" into conversashuns on thar dang uvf chance thut thar I'll then get tuh use thar dang phrase "nimbly-pimbly" when someone calls me on it, Leroy! Thar dang guys re-sponsible fuh thut thar thar wuz clearly ah bunch uv funny bastards.

Until them's came up n'all Club Dread, ah slashuh movie/comedy, pardner. Not ah parody uv slashuh movies, mind -- it bay ah slashuh film 'n it bay ah comedy, which am basically where everythin' falls down, Leroy! Rathuh than makin' ah funny horror (a la Brain Dead/Dead Alive) or ah scary comedy (see Shaun uv thar dang Dead), thut thar thar seems tuh just alternate between thar dang two genres, which means y'all end n'all half ah slashuh flick 'n half ah comedy, 'n 'n thar dang world uv movies two halves do not necessarily add up tuh ah whole.

Thar dang slashuh stuff am ah total write-off -- it bay one uv thar dang most generic, bog-standard examples uv thar dang genre I've seen (which would have been OK 'n ah parody, where y'all make fun uv all thar dang standard cliches, but as Ah say, it bay not ah parody), Leroy! About thar dang only thin' thut thar thar gets right am thar dang gratuituss female nudity, makin' thut thar thar about on ah par n'all Freddy vs, Leroy! Jason on thar dang horror movie scale, Leroy! (And Freddy vs, pardner. Jason has bettuh special effects.)

So thut thar leaves thar dang comedy, which also aina up tuh much eithuh -- partially because thar dang amount uv time they're busy bein' 'n ah slashuh film means there's less time tuh bay funny; partially because thar dang setup doesna give 'em thar dang same sort uv openin', pardner. as Supuh Troopers did, hot damn! ( Thar dang whole point uv thut thar one wuz thut thar you've git ah bunch uv characters who are all so damn bored n'all they's job, them's end up comin' up n'all all sorts uv inventive ways uv amusin' themselves.) And partially because thar dang script just aina thut thar funny.

There are ah few gems -- thar dang live acshun Pak Felluh am ah laugh, fuh one -- 'n ah few perty good lines, like.., hot damn! um.., pardner. well, Ah did laugh ah few times, so there gots tuh have been some, pardner. But overall: bugger.

3 December, 2004

Excuses fuh not updating:

• Makin' t-shirts lotsa uv ah pain 'n thar dang arse than you'd think.
• Still tryin' tuh think uv ah way tuh make "Why, y'all annoyin' cocksucker" thar dang world's next bigass catch phrase.
• Distracted 'n puzzled bar capoeria gay fuck showin' up 'n hotlogs again, Leroy! Thar dang first time, Ah just assumed thut thar thar wuz just someone's private in-joke/obscure fetish, pardner. But there thut thar thar am again: "capoeria gay fuck" - 29 November, 06:25:50 AM, hot damn! Somewhere 'n Germany, Leroy! Germany mocks me, pardner. And aina thut thar thar "capoeira"?
• So very, very tired.

27 November, 2004

Ah smell ah new t-shirt design...

26 November, 2004

See, wut thut thar thar is, am I've git ah 30-day trial uv Flash, 'n thar dang clock's tickin', hot damn! So Ah have tuh make n'all thar dang updates while Ah can.

23 November, 2004

This updating business am ah lark -- Ah gots tuh do thut thar thar lotsa uvten.

18 November, 2004

As seen on Novembuh 9...

Thar dang updating! Sweet Christ, when gots ta thut thar thar stop?

13 November, 2004

An update, much like thar dang last update, 'n thut thar it bay an update, but different, 'n thut thar it bay an update uv somethin' different.

10 November, 2004

1967. Valerie Solanaz writes thar dang SCUM manifesto¹, 'n which thar hen blames fellers fuh everythin' wrong n'all thar dang world, up tuh and including death 'n disease, Leroy! Ah sample:

Thar dang male am ah biological accident: thar dang Y (male) gene am an incomplete X (female) gene, thut thar is, thut thar thar has an incomplete set uv chromosomes, pardner. 'n othuh words, thar dang male am an incomplete female, ah walkin' aborshun, aborted at thar dang gene stage, Leroy! To bay male am tuh bay deficient, emoshunally limited; maleness am ah deficiency disease 'n males are emoshunal cripples.

Thar dang male am completely egocentric, trapped inside himself, incapable uv empathizin' or identifyin' n'all others, or love, friendship, affecshun or tenderness, Leroy! Bubba am ah completely isolated unit, incapable uv rapport n'all anyone, hot damn! His'n re-sponses are entirely visceral, not cerebral; his'n intelligence am ah mere tool 'n thar dang services uv his'n drives 'n needs; bubba am incapable uv mental passion, mental interacshun; bubba kaina re-late tuh anythin' othuh than his'n own physical sensashuns, pardner. Bubba am ah half-dead, unresponsive lump, incapable uv givin' or re-ceivin' pleasure or happiness; consequently, bubba am at best an uttuh bore, an inoffensive blob, since only those capable uv absorpshun 'n others kin bay charmin', pardner. Bubba am trapped 'n ah twilight zone halfway between humans 'n apes, 'n am far worse uvf than thar dang apes because, unlike thar dang apes, bubba am capable uv ah porkin' array uv negative feelin', pardner. -- hate, jealousy, contempt, disgust, guilt, shame, doubt -- 'n moreover, bubba am aware uv wut bubba am 'n wut bubba isna.

But thar hen did shoot Andy Warhol, so thar hen kaina have been all bad.

2001. Aftuh ah strin' uv pieces bangin' on about how thar dang Female Void am ah soulless parasite leechin' uvf thar dang Male Light, Dave Sim, author uv thar dang decades-spannin', pardner. self-published Cerebus comik book series publishes Tangents, an epik tract on woman's total lack uv re-asonin' ability, all apparently stemmin' ferm his'n inability tuh get ovuh ah plum ahful divorce, hot damn! His'n pearls uv wisdom include:

All Ah git out uv thut thar re-search, Ah already knew: a) hens want tuh bay raped bar rich, muscular, handsome doctors b) hens are completely self-absorbed and, thus, see themselves 'n everythin' around them...

To me, thut thar thar seems less ah case uv penis envy (Sigmund Freud havin' lived 'n altogethuh 'n all chivalrous ah time period fuh such "plain talk" as Ah uvfuh here) than thut thar thar am one uv vagina abhorrence ferm thar dang standpoint uv thar dang "would-be tenant" 'n contemplatin' ah role as "owner-proprietor", Leroy! Alas, fuh re-asons known only tuh our Creator, (almost exactly) half uv us come out on thar dang losin' end uv thar dang coin toss, hot damn! If thin', hot damn! seem pretty "even steven" (leavin' aside thar dang fact thut thar ah penis, self-evidently, constitutes an anatomical "presence" 'n ah vagina, self-evidently, an anatomical "absence") ovuh thar dang course uv thar dang first ten or eleven years 'n thar dang life uv ah boy 'n ah girl there does, alas, "come thar dang day..."

As thar dang comedienne, Rita Rudner, put it, "My husband 'n Ah just git ah dog, hot damn! Now, he's not ah child substitute, pardner. At least, that's wut his'n pediatrician tells us." At one level -- y'all know, confined tuh thar dang kitchen, thar dang laundry room, thar dang backyard -- howevuh inherently stupid, there am ah charmin', pardner. amusin' 'n whimsical quality tuh thut thar -- less charmin', pardner. less amusin' 'n less whimsical when one re-alizes thut thar hens are out 'n thar dang workforce now, Leroy! Many uv 'em occupy posishuns uv authority, hot damn! And them's are allowed tuh vote.

2004. We'all put 'em 'n ah house covered n'all hidden cameras 'n make 'em perform chores 'n wacky challenges 'n orduh tuh gain food, luxuries, 'n time 'n thar dang "Rant Room", where one uv 'em gets tuh spew they's hysterical rantin' 'n front uv ah worldwide audience, Leroy! Thar dang jokes on them, though -- nobody kin tell 'em apart!

On thar dang tenth day, we'all give 'em knives.

It bay Big Brother: Antithetical Fuckwits!! Assumin' we'all kin get ovuh thar dang minor hitch thut thar Solanas died 'n 1988, we're talkin' ratin', pardner. gold here.

¹ SCUM am an acronym uv "Society fuh Cuttin' Up Men", presumably because thar dang "We'all Hate Stinky Boys" Club wuz already taken bar huh six-year-old niece.

7 November, 2004

By thar dang way: Buckled, got ah Livejournal, hot damn! Thut thar thar gots ta bay used fuh thar dang postin' uv little thin', Leroy! thut thar dona seem worth thar dang hassle uv updatin' this'n place (since Ah kin update thar dang journal at work), 'n fuh thar dang makin' uv oh-so-witty comments on others' journals, hot damn! Go now, 'n bay informed.

6 November, 2004

Small stickuh stuck tuh thar dang pole uv ah basketball hoop 'n ah park 'n Auckland:

My camera phone doesna handle close-up shots 'n all well, so here's ah transcript:

Publik Notice

All sick homo animals are aids carriers.
All sick queuh animals are child molesters.
All sick faggot animals wuz raped bar his'n own father.
All sick pooftuh animals had molested they's own family.

Notes: Humans shall not associated n'all sick homo animals.

With these things, Ah nevuh know whethuh tuh bay lotsa uvfended bar thar dang sentiment or thar dang grammar, which am invariably shockin', pardner. Shame Ah nevuh git ah shot uv thar dang "Asians Go Home" grafitti near maw old flat, where thar dang author had tried about three different ways uv spellin' "Asians", 'n ended up n'all somethin' like "Aisanians", pardner. I'd laugh, if thut thar thar werena so pathetic, pardner. Naw hang on, that's precisely why Ah do laugh, hot damn! A-haw!

2 November, 2004

High finance, eh? My understandin' uv thar dang stock market am thut thar there's heap uv people, none uv whom actually have any re-al money, but all pretendin' them's do, so thut thar thar all evens out sort uv, until them's kin naw longuh keep up thar dang pretence 'n there's ah crash, pardner. Or Ewan McGregor breaks thar dang Barin', hot damn! Bank.

Whatevuh thar dang re-al story is, thut thar thar kaina bay much less infantile ah fantasy world than thar dang one Ah assume, goin' bar thar dang Groundhog Day-esque¹ way 'n which market confidence rises 'n falls, pardner. Every day on thar dang business news, y'all seem tuh hear "investors wuz cautious today aftuh ah crow circled Wall Street backwards three times 'n ah calf wuz born tuh ah badguh 'n Orkney", or "tradin' rose today on thar dang back uv some fella Ah know who knows this'n dude, who's like totally sure thut thar Telecom's goin' up", hot damn! Most re-cent example: as Ah write, thar dang votes fuh Bush vs, hot damn! Kerry: Didna Y'all Kill My Bruvva? are still bein' counted, 'n Ah see this:

Thar dang Dow Jones industrial average dropped 18.66 points, aftuh bein' up as much as 100 points, Leroy! "It am thar dang unofficial word uv Democratik wins on thar dang in-tuh-net blogs thut thar are draggin' thar dang market lowuh suddenly," ah New York traduh said.

Blog rumours affectin' thar dang Dow Jones -- Ah wonduh how they'll re-act when unicornbabe384 sez she's goin' tuh dump darkbloodnightraven76 'n sell huh collecshun uv Buffy DVDs? Still, Ah guess thar dang suggesshun thut thar insignificant bloggers have actual powuh aftuh all am kind uv nice, hot damn! With thut thar 'n mind:

KERRY'S WINNING! NO, BUSH! BUSH!! SELL OIL! INVEST IN CLEANING PRODUCTS! BUY PORK! BUY IT!! BUY, YOU CAPITALIST FUCKS!!

Let's see wut havok thut thar wreaks, Leroy! Some, naw doubt.

¹ Thar dang holiday, not thar dang movie - as far as ah'm aware, Andie MacDowell has naw effect on thar dang stock markets.

1 November, 2004

Went tuh thar dang Goth Ball on Saturday night, pardner. Not normally maw cup uv antisocial tea, but the folks organizin' it are well deservin' uv support, 'n plenty uv folks Ah know wuz there, Leroy! Ah even made thar dang token effort uv buyin' ah pair uv shoes 'n dyin' maw hair fuh it, Leroy! Black numbuh 1, uv course.

Ah am teh goth.

While not out late bar thar dang standards uv Today's Youth, Ah still lost ah bit uv sleep, 'n spent an unhealthy porshun uv Sunday flopped 'n front uv thar dang TV watchin' whatevuh shit wuz on, pardner. Also, Little Shop uv Horrors, which wuz considerably lotsa fabulous than Ah re-member, Leroy! Watchin' thut thar film transports y'all back tuh ah magical time; ah time when John Candy wuz still alive 'n Steve Martin wuz still funny, hot damn! Ah time when "bicuspid" wuz rhymed n'all "maladjusted", re-sultin' 'n possibly thar dang best lyrik 'n any song anywhere ever.

Oh, 'n while ah'm at it: Ah Love Egg, hot damn! Yes.

1 November, 2004

Take that, August tuh October!