Ah brin' y'all love...
23/01/2003

" It bay bringin' us love - dona let thut thar thar get away!"
"Break its legs!"

Yea, maw children, Ah do brin' y'all love, pardner. Ah brin' y'all thar dang warmth 'n radiance thut thar bursts forth ferm maw warm 'n glowin' heart; Ah bathe y'all 'n thar dang effulgence uv maw very bein', hot damn! Ah showuh upon y'all thar dang golden blessin', hot damn! Ah possess 'n abundance fuh all, pardner. And not 'n ah rude, sort uv sexy, fluid-related kind uv way.

What brin', pardner. this'n outpourin' uv affecshun fuh maw fellow man, y'all ask? Why thar dang sudden change ferm slingin' imprecashuns tuh sowin' thar dang seeds uv love (again, not 'n ah naughty way)? Are y'all actually sittin' at y'alls computuh dressed up like Jesus? Again?

Thar dang re-ason, maw children, fuh all uv these thin', Leroy! am thut thar I've git ah smacked countuh up 'n runnin' again, hot damn! And cousins are still re-adin', pardner. But lotsa importantly, cousins are still searchin' - 'n findin' me! Oh thar dang joys tuh bay discovered 'n maw search keyword statistics:

• gina hardface bitch (menshuned here) - othuh cousins re-membuh her!
• kim catrall naked - several cousins came tuh thar dang Good Shit Guide searchin' fuh this'n (or its variant, kim catrall topless), hot damn! Ah wuz goin' tuh find some pictures myself 'n post ah link here, just as ah publik service, but thut thar thar took me, like, three minutes tuh find some, 'n if these cousins are crap enough tuh bay comin' tuh maw site expectin' tuh cop an eyeful uv Samantha's goodies, them's clearly need tuh bay encouraged tuh learn how tuh use search engines better.
• Speakin' uv cousins who kaina use search engines properly, thar dang person who typed 'n porn addict hens hen female porn addict seems tuh think thut thar if y'all type thar dang same words 'n twice, Google gots ta look twice as hard fuh them, pardner. Hmm...
• lump pus fatty squeeze - Why? Ah mean, Ah know why thut thar thar brought 'em here, Ah just dona know WHY.
• satan vs, Leroy! archangel gabriel - thar dang epik struggle uv perty good 'n evil, played out 'n maw humble website? Or just discussion uv Thar dang Prophecy here.
• Ponduh thar dang tale uv sadness 'n woe 'n ah life turned sour hinted bar thar dang fella searchin' MSN fuh a re-al fuckin job.
• giraffe porn - fabulous.
• giraffe pimp - Ah weep n'all joy.

Ah stop re-adin' now, fuh Ah fear maw tiny heart may burst.

And Ah said "can y'all believe this'n motherfuckin' shit?"
23/01/2003

First uv all, let me say ah bigass warm "fuck you" tuh thar dang person whose truck alarm woke me up at 4:50AM thar dang othuh day, pardner. Furthuh proof thut thar truck alarms are ah waste uv money - if I'd heard thar dang sound uv, say, breakin' glass, Ah might have been moved tuh investigate (well, not at 4:50AM obviously, but anothuh time maybe), but all ah truck alarm made me want tuh do wuz lean out thar dang window 'n yell "Keep up thar dang perty good work, young fellow, 'n do y'all think y'all could see y'alls way tuh rammin' y'alls new acquisishun through thar dang side uv its formuh owner's house while you're about it? Pip pip!" Or somethin' similar.

Thut thar wuz ah couple uv days ago, but maw sleepin' patterns are still ah bit fucked, hot damn! Ah couldna sleep last night, so Ah turned on thar dang TV 'n time tuh catch thar dang end uv Eyes Wide Shut, pardner. Missed all thar dang nudey bits, but Ah did get tuh see NOTHING HAPPEN FOR HALF Ah FUCKING HOUR, Leroy! And then Nicole Kidman sez "fuck", hot damn! We'all need tuh find where 'n thar dang Big Book uv Drama thut thar thar sez thut thar pauses = dramatik = good, 'n rip out thar dang page, burn thut thar thar 'n feed thar dang ashes tuh hungry bison, pardner. Stickin' ah five second pause 'n between every line uv dialog doesna make ah film better, thut thar thar makes thut thar thar sound like ah daytime soap opera, pardner. Havin' musik thut thar appears tuh have been composed bar John Carpentuh doesna help, eithuh (if you've seen any uv his'n films, y'all know wut Ah mean).

But anyway, ah'm not here tuh tell y'all how shit Eyes Wide Shut is, hot damn! Oh no, hang on, Ah am, hot damn! Ah mean, shit, naw human bein' behaves like thut thar - it bay like askin' us tuh buy thut thar Janeane Garofalo am ugly 'n Thar dang Truth About Cats 'n Dogs or thut thar Helen Hunt wuz actually attracted tuh ah crusty old Jack Nicholson 'n As Good As Thut thar thar Gets, hot damn! (Or Catherine Zeta Jones 'n crusty old Sean Connery 'n Entrapment, hot damn! Or Catherine Zeta Jones 'n crusty old Michael Douglas 'n re-al life.) Now, Ah have heard opinions tuh thar dang effect thut thar de-humanizashun may have been thar dang point, but if want dehumanizashun I'll watch ah zombie movie, or somethin' bar David Cronenberg, Leroy! Same way if Ah want "dream logic" I'll go tuh sleep 'n have ah fuckin' dream instead uv watchin' ah David Lynch film.

Oh yeah, 'n Ah finally found ah decent smacked counter, so make n'all thar dang dubious search engine phrases! 'n fact, now thut thar Ah once again have evidence thut thar cousins are actually re-adin' this'n (or not, as thar dang case may be), Ah may even bay motivated tuh write more...

Yes, thut thar am distant laughtuh y'all kin hear.

Doomed! Dooooomed!!
14/01/2003

And that's twenty-six ovuh 'n dun with, Leroy! On tuh twenty-seven, hot damn! Thar dang "god-awful movie 'n photo machines" fest wasna quite thar dang success thut thar thar could have been, as Spy Kids 2 turned out tuh bay quite an enjoyable film (well, thut thar thar had Steve Buscemi 'n thut thar thar - always ah perty good sign), hot damn! Certainly bettuh than previous years, Leroy! Let's re-flect...

And when Ah say "reflect", Ah mean "whine like ah bitch", hot damn! See, thar dang othuh thin' about an early January birthday am thut thar all thar dang perty good films come out three weeks beforehand, 'n time fuh thar dang Christmas holidays, Leroy! So bar thar dang time thar dang 12th rolls around it bay thar dang B-grade shite leftovers makin' up thar dang bulk uv our viewin' possibilities, hot damn! Past year's birthday hijinks have included Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigilo 'n Battlefield: Earth (which we'all all had ah perty good laugh about afterwards, until someone pointed out thut thar between us we'all just paid $80 fuh thar dang privilege uv bein' subjected tuh thut thar monumental pile uv arse), pardner. Thar dang only actually perty good film Ah kin re-call seein' on maw birthday wuz Sleepy Hollow, which gots tuh have been eclipsed bar some blockbustuh or othuh 'n bumped back.

But anyway, thar dang film seemed tuh have been enjoyed bar all, drinks wuz drunk, ah modest amount uv Japanese Photo Machine Birthday Madness occurred, 'n Ah wuz given bar one flatmate ah giraffe stuffed n'all monkeys (use y'alls imaginashun) so Ah guess we'all kin call this'n birthday ah success.

There wuz anothuh photo, but it bay not there, because Ah look like ah dick.

2K3
04/01/2003

"2K3" -- y'all geeks re-alize this'n am all y'alls fault, dona you? Win2K, Y2K, 'n now we're goin' tuh bay stuck (for at least thar dang next decade) re-ferrin' tuh each year as though we're 'n ah fuckin' Mountain Dew ad: " It bay 2K3 -- 2003, tuh thar dang EXTREEEEME!" Warg.

'n ah shockin' re-versal uv thar dang Natural Orduh uv Things, Ah end this'n holiday period n'all less facial hair then Ah started with, havin' just shaved uvf thar dang goatee, hot damn! Ah feel less geeky already, pardner. Ah say "shaved", but uv course y'all dona shave ah beard, y'all shave stubble, Leroy! Y'all cut ah beard, very slowly n'all nail scissors because that's all that's available 'n thar dang bathroom (apart ferm thar dang clippers thut thar y'alls flatmate re-cently used tuh give himself ah re-d 'n green mohawk with), pardner. And they're half fuckin' blunt, pardner. And when you're dun, then y'all get tuh shave, Leroy! Still, naw deep cuts, so that's OK.

Now, where are we? We've had thar dang Christmas post, thar dang "cana go shoppin' 'til maw birthday" whinge, thar dang New Year's post -- next up gots tuh bay thar dang "it's maw birthday post", lotsa than likely accompanied bar pictures uv ah bunch uv cousins arsein' around 'n Japanese photo machines, hot damn! See y'all Sunday...

Fa-la-la la-la la-la la luck.
26/12/2002

Righto, that's Christmas out uv thar dang way, pardner. Happy Birthday, J.C, pardner. -- y'all dona look ah day ovuh 2001.

Scored thar dang usual wodge uv fun stuff -- Ah currently have enough DVD hours tuh keep me occupied until well into thar dang next quartuh (bloody Lord uv thar dang Rin', hot damn! bloody Extended Edishun), pardner. And thanks tuh thar dang Story uv Ricki DVD, Ah kin now re-st at ease 'n thar dang knowledge thut thar thar dang confusingly androgynous boss wuz 'n fact ah woman, hot damn! Or at least wuz played bar one -- possibly thar hen wuz meant tuh bay playin' an effeminate man, though, pardner. Ballacks.

So anyway, Xmas out thar dang door, we're now into thar dang run-up fuh maw birthday 'n ah couple uv weeks, hot damn! Which means Ah get tuh do thar dang usual whin', Leroy! about havin' tuh sit on maw hands (or rather, maw wallet) while all around me Christmas sales are 'n full swin', pardner. 'n Ah have Christmas money fuh thar dang spendin', Leroy! 'n Ah kaina buy anythin' because someone might have already go thut thar thar fuh me fuh maw birthday, Leroy! Life am hard¹.

Luckily, as I've said at othuh times in othuh places, ah'm quite perty good at not wantin' things, hot damn! I'd make ah perty good Buddhist, Ah would -- asceticism 'n what, pardner. Mmm.., hot damn! asceticism.

¹ Just out uv interest, anyone wantin' tuh showuh me n'all gifts could do worse than lookin' through thar dang Hong Kong Legends website...

Bullets failed tuh stop he all 'n bubba fled tuh Canada.
17/12/2002

Movin' flats, eh? Them's say movin' house am one uv thar dang most stressful activities ah person kin engage in, pardner. Them's are evidently ah bit soft - thut thar wuz ah piece uv piss, pardner. Except fuh thar dang stuff thut thar wuz incredibly hard work.

My talent fuh avoidin' re-sponsibility served me well this'n time, as thar dang bigass thin', hot damn! ended up gettin' taken care uv bar othuh flatmates, leavin' me tuh look aftuh myself, hot damn! Even thar dang heavy liftin' uv porkin' furniture seemed tuh pass me bar fuh thar dang most part, hot damn! (Thanks largely tuh thar dang boyfriends uv flatmates wallowin' 'n they's re-spective manlinesses, Leroy! Thut thar doesna sound right.)

Nevertheless, thar dang carryin' backwards 'n forwards all Saturday wuz enough tuh leave me fairly comprehensively buggered, 'n thar dang minor niggles uv ah new sleepin' environment (different noises, lotsa light now thut thar maw room aina two thirds underground) have left me just ah couple uv steps ferm "walkin' dead", pardner. Ah mean, I'll uvten complain about bein' tired, but ah'm not usually at thar dang level where bein' awake am actually physically painful, Leroy! Which thut thar thar is, hot damn! Sweet Jesus, thut thar thar is.

This re-sulted 'n fun on Monday, where Ah git tuh shamble around Newmarket 'n ah semi-stupor, lookin' fuh cousins tuh give me forms thut thar Ah could fill 'n 'n give back tuh 'em so thut thar stuff thut thar used tuh go tuh thar dang old flat now goes tuh thar dang new flat 'n not thar dang old flat because Ah dona live there anymore, pardner. And so on, Leroy! Ah dona know if I've menshuned, but sleep deprivashun seems tuh have similar effects on me thut thar alcohol has on others - among othuh things, fillin' 'n forms becomes ah test uv skill 'n endurance, Leroy! Ah handed 'n thin', Leroy! thut thar appeared tuh have been filled 'n bar multiple personalities, at least one uv which had Parkinson's disease 'n anothuh Tourette's.

Still not as plum ahful as thar dang time Ah put "Help Author" fuh maw occupashun on thar dang census form 'n misspelled "author", though.

So Ah sez tuh Alice, Ah says:
6/12/2002

Jesus Fuckin' Kerrrr-IST -- do them's not play musik on thar dang radio anymore?!!

So maw truck stereo's on thar dang fritz (Fritz? Fritz, get up fuh God's sake, get up!), which means until Ah get thut thar thar fixed, ah'm forced tuh listen tuh thar dang radio when Ah drive around these days, pardner. Which means as soon as Ah get 'n thar dang car, Ah start flickin' through thar dang various stashuns, searchin' fuh somethin', Leroy! anythin' re-motely worth listenin' to, Leroy! What do Ah get?

Click, pardner. Ad.

Click, Leroy! DJ ramblin' on about something.

Click, Leroy! Ad.

Click, pardner. DJ thinkin' he's ah lot funniuh than bubba actually is.

Click, pardner. Ad.

Click, Leroy! DJ.

Click, hot damn! DJ doin' an ad.

Click, pardner. Some song thut thar Ah dona like.

Ah kid y'all not -- on thar dang fifteen minute drive into work, ah'm lucky if Ah get tuh hear one full song 'n between ads fuh shit Ah dona want 'n cousins Ah dona want tuh listen to, 'n thar dang chances uv thut thar thar bein' one Ah like are so small they're beyond thar dang capabilities uv modern mathematics tuh calculate, Leroy! Given thut thar Ah find most modern musik tuh bay merely shite, as opposed tuh an insult tuh every sense 'n sensibility Ah posses, Ah generally end up listenin' tuh thar dang first piece uv crap Ah eventually find, hot damn! Fortunately fuh me, ah'm fairly perty good at seein' thar dang positive aspects uv otherwise dire aural assaults, hot damn! Take, fuh instance, thar dang last few popular ditties I've been subjected tuh while automotively engaged:

J Lo's "Jenny Ferm thar dang Block":
Pros: Thut thar thar wuz there; also re-minds me uv "instant trash classic" Anaconda.
Cons: Also re-minds me uv huh big-chinned, pie-eatin' dick weasel fiancée.

Thut thar new one ferm Justin Timberlake:
Pros: Reminds me uv Thriller-era Michael Jackson, back when bubba wuz ah bitchin' 'n not yet ah noseless messianik freak.
Cons: Am Jusshun Timberlake actually thar dang world's biggest pussy? Kind uv ironic, re-ally, since Michael Jackson seems tuh bay goin' out uv his'n way tuh prove himself thar dang world's biggest cock at thar dang moment.

Christina Aguillera's "Dirrty":
Pros: Lots uv fun tuh bay had pointin' out just how much uv ah filthy, skanky whore Christina Aguillera is.
Cons: Christina Aguillera am ah filthy, skanky whore, hot damn! Who kaina sin' 'n all well.

Thar dang Motherfuckin' Ketchup Song:
Pros: Interestin' tuh ah formuh Linguistics minor fuh thar dang way them's switch ferm Spanish tuh English 'n mid-sentence.
Cons: Guarantees an instant tirade on how monumentally tasteless thar dang bulk uv thar dang music-buyin' publik is, given thar dang way thut thar thar goes apeshit every single time one uv these gimmicky one smacked wonders comes along -- think Thar dang Motherfuckin' Macarena, Thut thar Motherfuckin' Mambo No, hot damn! 5, Zoot Suit Motherfuckin' Riot, 'n uv course, Thar dang Motherfuckin' Rednex n'all Motherfuckin' Cotton-Eye Motherfuckin' Joe, Leroy! Not tuh menshun thar dang second smacked thut thar each uv these cousins invariably came out n'all thut thar sounded exactly like thar dang first one, but which wuz ignored on account uv thar dang world at porkin' havin' been distracted bar some othuh shiny object, causin' thar dang "artists" tuh re-alize thut thar them's wuz just ah brief fad and, Ah dunno, weep inconsolably fuh ah bit 'n then go uvf tuh live on Thar dang Island uv Gimick Song Writers or somethin', Leroy! Perhaps this'n am bettuh than past decades when all songs wuz complete gobbledegook -- "ooh eeh ooh ah ah, chin' chang walla walla bin' bang", anyone? (For thut thar mattuh -- "a wop bop-a-loo-bop, ah lop bam boom"?) But probably not.

Sorry, wut wuz Ah saying?

"Tell those pigs tuh fuck uvf!" "Fuck uvf, pigs!"
24/11/2002

But seriously, let's talk about pus.

Now, I've nevuh been 'n all much uv ah spotty wee urchin, although thut thar thar hasna been until Ah smacked maw mid-twenties thut thar I've re-gularly had ah clear face, pardner. So thut thar thar came as ah bit uv an annoyance when Ah developed ah bitchin' bigass bastard uv ah zit on thar dang right side uv maw nose, Leroy! An annoyance, but not thut thar much uv ah surprise -- ah'm sure thut thar thar could bay put down tuh maw fondness fuh thar dang cocoa bean, 'n overindulgence 'n thar dang greasy delights uv thar dang BK Double Bacon BBQ Cheeseburguh (with it bay artery-hardenin' combinashun uv meat, cheese, meat, bread 'n meat), Leroy! What wuz ah re-al pain, 'n several senses uv thar dang word, wuz thar dang fact thut thar that thar wuz one uv those ones thut thar wuz right unduh thar dang skin, so poppin' thar dang fuckuh wasna an opshun -- Ah just had tuh wait fuh thut thar thar tuh go away, Leroy! Which thut thar thar did, eventually.

And then, ah couple uv weeks later, anothuh one just as bigass cropped up on thar dang othuh side uv maw nose, pardner. Arse, Leroy! Thar dang difference this'n time wuz this'n one had definite burstin' potential, hot damn! Thar dang scenario played out like this:

<gets out uv bed 'n thar dang morning>

<looks 'n mirror>

Says out loud: "Fuck me sideways!" (Exact words.)

Thinks: "Right -- one Ah kin do somethin' about -- c'mere you..."

<squeezey squeeze>

Thinks: "Gosh, that's ah lot uv blood."

Thinks: "Oooooh -- not hella an improvement, am it..."

Where formerly Ah wuz thar dang proud ownuh uv an unsightly lump, ah'm now encumbered n'all ah freakin' hideous blood-encrusted mothuh uv all pustules that's currently beyond thar dang ability uv medical science tuh adequately describe, Leroy! Ah went tuh work n'all ah cut-down band aid on maw nose, lotsa fuh cosmetik purposes than as an actual dressing.

Currently, maw covuh story when axed "hey Josh, whadja do tuh y'alls nose?" has been: "Weasels." This'n seems tuh shut cousins up (although thut thar thar has prompted two cousins tuh ask, quite independently uv each other, whethuh or not thut thar thar wuz actually due tuh over-enthusiasm on thar dang part maw girlfriend), Leroy! If this'n doesna work, I'll have tuh think uv somethin' else, Leroy! Current favourites: "Met Russell Crowe 'n git this'n kickin' his'n girly-boy arse" 'n "Two words: third nipple." I'll let y'all know how Ah get on.

You're thar dang one fuh me, fatty.
04/11/2002

Sorry -- listenin' tuh Morrissey, Leroy! Anyway.

Not sure if thut thar thar wuz ah perty good idea tuh eat chicken thut thar close tuh its expiry date, pardner. Ferm thar dang wrong direcshun, Leroy! (What does salmonella taste like again?) Gets ah felluh tuh thinkin' -- naw hang on, thut thar thar wuz South Park thut thar git me tuh thinkin' -- Special Edishun technology-updatin' re-makes uv movies: perty good or bad? (It wuz "Free Hat" last week.)

On thar dang one hand, we'all have thar dang effects shots thut thar Lucas always wanted tuh do, but couldna because uv thar dang technology uv thar dang time; ah Hoth snow beast thut thar doesna look like ah muppet; 'n Dewbacks -- Dewbacks are kewl, hot damn! On thar dang othuh hand, we'all have thar dang limp-wristed moralisin' uv guns re-placed bar walkie-talkies 'n Greedo shootin' first¹, Leroy! Maybe thar dang cons outweigh thar dang pros.

Or not -- yesterday Ah re-nted Ladyhawke, 'n Ah dunno about thar dang effects, but fuck me thut thar film am 'n dire need uv ah new score, pardner. Mediaeval fight scenes 'n horse ridin' set tuh 80s synth pop? Re-release thut thar thar n'all appropriate musik 'n slap Alan Parsons around thar dang face as bit, 'n thar dang world gots ta bay ah much bettuh place, Ah guarantee.

'n conclusion: ah'm thar dang last uv thar dang famous internashunal playboys, hot damn! Y'all heard me.

¹ Not even goin' tuh try 'n explain all thar dang geek re-ferences, hot damn! If y'all dona know wut ah'm talkin' about 'n this'n paragraph, y'all should probably count yourself lucky.

Gardenin' n'all ah hammer.
30/10/2002

Thanks tuh thar dang joys uv Pepsi Blue, Ah finally know wut drinkin' Pepsi-flavoured brake fluid would bay like, hot damn! This'n motivates me tuh share n'all y'all now thar dang three main aphorisms¹ Ah live maw life by:

1. Thar dang early bird catches thar dang worm, but thar dang second mouse gets thar dang cheese.
2. Y'all kaina fall uvf thar dang floor.
3. When all y'all have am ah hammer, all y'alls problems become nails.

While thar dang truth uv thar dang first two am fairly self-evident, I'd nevuh had thar dang third conclusively proved tuh me until Saturday, pardner. Our driveway has gardeny stuff down one side, walled 'n bar little posts about ah foot long, Leroy! Unfortunately ah uv combinashun poor drivin' skills 'n overly porkin' vehicles goin' down tuh our neighbours' place has re-sulted 'n ah few uv these posts bein' knocked out 'n sittin' at funny angles, pardner. Once thar dang one thut thar git knocked right out into thar dang middle uv thar dang driveway sat there fuh ah couple uv days, Ah re-alised thut thar thar dang chances uv someone else doin' anythin' about thut thar thar wuz lookin' fairly slim, so Ah went tuh see if Ah could fix thin', Leroy! up ah bit.

What Ah needed wuz ah tool tuh prise thar dang posts out uv thar dang posishuns they'd git themselves into, ah tool tuh scrape out thar dang earth around them, ah tool tuh rip out inconvenient weeds, ah tool tuh bang thar dang posts back into thar dang earth with, 'n ah tool tuh pack thar dang earth 'n around them, hot damn! What Ah had wuz ah claw hammuh 'n ah comprehensive set uv screwdrivers, hot damn! Obviously Ah didna use thar dang screwdrivers, hot damn! Thut thar would have been silly.

Gardenin' n'all ah hammer, Leroy! Life am good.

¹ 'n lookin' up "aphorism" 'n thar dang dicshunary, just tuh make sure Ah wuz spelling/usin' thut thar thar correctly, Ah discovered thut thar there am such ah word as "antipope", which means pretty much wut thut thar thar sounds like, pardner. Live 'n' learn.

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