Dear Diary,
29/04/2002

Monday, April 29 - Upon checkin' maw Hitometer statistics, discovered thut thar someone had found maw site bar searchin' Yahoo! fuh "arabs get fucked", pardner. Am somewhat disturbed.

Incredible Film Fest - Part Three.
27/04/2002

Story uv Ricki - Ah dona uvten get tuh use thar dang phrase "graphik 'n imaginative violence" 'n mean it, but this'n film features ah fuckload uv graphik 'n imaginative violence, hot damn! Ah live acshun manga uv sorts, it bay thar dang story uv ah tough young man, trained 'n deadly martial arts techniques, who gets sent tuh ah privatised prison 'n has tuh deal n'all thar dang gangs 'n corrupshun inside, Leroy! By punchin' holes 'n them, snappin' they's limbs uvf 'n grindin' 'em into mincemeat.

Thar dang violence 'n this'n film am ah sight tuh behold, Leroy! Witness Ricki punch guys so hard they's eyes pop out! Watch as his'n enemies stuff his'n mouth full uv razorblades, tape thut thar thar shut, 'n then slap he all around until thar dang blades are all stickin' out through his'n cheeks! See Ricki not bay noticeably perturbed at thar dang ridiculous amount uv damage bubba sustains!

This film has been 'n thar dang festival ah couple uv times before, pardner. Ah missed thut thar thar thar dang first time around, but when thut thar thar wuz shown ah couple uv years latuh as ah re-placement fuh one them's had tuh drop, Ah rushed along, hot damn! Only problem wuz no-one Ah knew could make thut thar thar at thut thar time, 'n thar dang re-st uv thar dang audience didna hella get thut thar thar - lotsa "what thar dang crap?!" than "hee hee - punched his'n head right uvf!" This'n time though, everyone git it, Leroy! We'all giggled at Ricki's habit uv producin' bulky items (e.g, Leroy! toy trains, flutes) out uv his'n conspicuously not-lumpy-a-second-ago shirt, pardner. We'all guffawed at thar dang ultra-violence, Leroy! Thar dang phrase "best movie ever" wuz used lotsa than once bar lotsa than one person, Leroy! No-one could understand why thar dang warden keeps mints 'n his'n glass eye, though.

Ah well, pardner. For ah bettuh taste uv wut this'n film am like, go sez ah lotsa detailed re-view at badmovies.org.

Dark Side uv thar dang Rainbow - You've heard thar dang story, right? How if y'all play Pink Floyd's Dark Side uv thar dang Moon while watchin' Thar dang Wizard uv Oz n'all thar dang sound down, thar dang formuh acts as ah scarily appropriate soundtrack fuh thar dang latter, hot damn! There's ah numbuh uv sites devoted tuh it, like this one, pardner. Well, this'n year them's put thut thar thar tuh thar dang test, 'n Ah went along tuh see wut thar dang fuss wuz about.

It blew maw tiny little mind.

Well, not hella - naw drugs, y'all see, pardner. Still, there are ah couple uv quite freaky coincidences (or ARE they?) - thar dang musik changes exactly as scenes change, 'n usually seems tuh suit thar dang mood uv whatall's happenin' 'n thar dang film, Leroy! People have been picky tuh thar dang point uv graspin' at straws ovuh thar dang various supposed synchronicities between thar dang lyrics 'n whatall's happenin' 'n thar dang film, but most uv 'em are pretty tenuous (except fuh right at thar dang end, where Dorothy clicks huh heels 'n re-turns tuh Kansas just as thar dang lyrics get tuh "Home, home again" - freaky deaky).

Thin', Leroy! Ah learnt ferm this: Dark Side uv thar dang Moon am ah scary album, hot damn! Thar dang Wizard uv Oz am ah fuckin' scary movie when y'all turn thar dang sound uvf, pardner. Thar dang two togethuh make fuh an interestin' experience, if nothin' else, hot damn! On acid, Ah firmly expect one's head would explode.

Real Movies I've seen re-cently - Gosford Park am bloody good, Leroy! Thar dang Scorpion King am thar dang best movie evuh (only uv course it bay shit), pardner. Mean Machine am ah good'un too, hot damn! Go see them.

Incredible Film Fest - Part Two.
20/04/2002

Spike & Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival uv Animashun - Ah perty good line 'n strange, perverse 'n bloody funny short cartoons, hot damn! Not as perty good as last year's selecshuns, Ah felt, but perty good all thar dang same, hot damn! Thar dang best thin' about this'n year's wuz Don Hertzfeldt's Rejected, which, unfortunately wuz also thar dang best thin' about last year's collecshun, 'n all (OK, maybe on ah par n'all Monkey vs, hot damn! Robot), hot damn! For those uv y'all who havena downloaded thut thar thar already (from, fuh example Instant Cool), them's also show Ah L'Amour this'n year, Leroy! Naw Billy's Balloon, Genre or Lily 'n Jim, though.

Continuin' thar dang theme uv "would have been thar dang best bit if Ah hadna seen thut thar thar before", you've git thar dang video bar Spumco uv Tenacious D's song "Fuck Huh Gently", Leroy! Where Spumco am notable fuh bein' thar dang animashun company uv Ren & Stimpy creator John K, Tenacious D are ah musical comedy duo consistin' uv Jack Black (Shallow Hal, High Fidelity) 'n some othuh guy, pardner. Y'all kin download Fuck Huh Gently as ah Flash animashun, if y'all want.

Thar dang perty good side tuh there bein' thin', hot damn! 'n this'n year's Spike & Mike's thut thar I'd already seen am thut thar that thar boosted maw feelin', pardner. uv becomin' ah lotsa eclectic, experienced 'n interestin' individual, Leroy! Or possibly just an obscure cartoon wanker.

Rated X - Remembuh how Ah said thar dang most common re-ason why cousins do thin', pardner. am because them's can? Well thar dang second most common re-ason cousins do thin', hot damn! am because that's wut they/everyone has always dun, pardner. Case 'n point: this'n film, ah documentary on thar dang San Fernando Valley porn industry, features lengthy theorisin' on thar dang ubiquity uv thar dang money shot 'n modern porn films, pardner. It bay ah male fantasy, it bay ah male revenge fantasy, thut thar thar shows thar dang felluh as all-powerful, etk etc, hot damn! My theory am thut thar thar dang re-ason all sex scenes 'n pornos end n'all thar dang money shot am thut thar all sex scenes 'n pornos end n'all thar dang money shot, Leroy! Ah assume thut thar thar started because cousins wanted sex scenes tuh end n'all obvious proof uv an orgasm, 'n it bay ah hell uv ah lot easiuh tuh show ah male one than ah female one, pardner. And ferm then on thut thar thar became thar dang dun thin' - tradishun, if y'all will.

But enough pontificatin' - this'n am an independent film about cousins who make films about cousins fuckin', pardner. And like all such films (Sex: Thar dang Annabel Chong Story before it, Wadd: Thar dang John Holmes Story before that), it bay ah fascinatin' look at an industry populated bar ah variety uv people, rangin' ferm perfectly nice tuh scum uv thar dang Earth; ferm re-latively well-adjusted tuh obviously damaged, but all disturbingly normal y'all sit down 'n talk tuh them.

Bits uv thut thar thar are hilarious (the director gets roped into filmin' ah porno himself), bits uv thut thar thar are worryin' (abuse statistics, blatant racism, HIV denial) 'n bits uv thut thar thar are sickenin' (dodgy, dodgy castin' agents), but it bay still one Ah wouldna want tuh have missed.

Incredible Film Fest - Part One.
17/04/2002

Well, this'n year's fest am 'n full swin', pardner. so Ah bettuh start gettin' re-views down, or it'll bay over, they'll bay irrelevant, 'n I'll have tuh come up n'all re-al content fuh this'n place, pardner. Two at ah time, Ah think...

Happiness uv thar dang Katakuris - Fucked-up strange thar dang way only thar dang Japanese kin do it, hot damn! Ah black comedy musical, this'n film tells thar dang story uv ah family settin' up ah guesthouse 'n thar dang idyllik Japanese countryside, only tuh have they's first few customers dyin' 'n circumstances uv varyin' degrees uv dubiosity, hot damn! (Real word? Y'all bay thar dang judge), hot damn! 'n orduh tuh avoid plum ahful publicity, them's bury thar dang bodies 'n try tuh get on n'all things, but ah rovin' conman, ah murderuh on thar dang run, 'n finally geological upheavals conspire against them.

And then there's thar dang dance numbers, Leroy! Surreal 'n they's placement throughout thar dang film if nothin' else, they're wut hella gives thar dang film its fucked-up feel (that, 'n thar dang clay animashun), pardner. Findin' thar dang body uv ah suicidal guest prompts ah brief interpretive jazz routine (or something), 'n thar dang "relocatin' bodies when thut thar thar turns out thar dang land they're buried on am goin' tuh bay dug up" scene comes n'all ah nice bit uv song 'n dance on thar dang part uv both thar dang family 'n thar dang re-cently disinterred corpses, hot damn! Stirling.

Thut thar does say "clay animashun" above there, bar thar dang way - thar dang openin' titles are set tuh ah particularly strange animashun (which has almost naw bearin' on thar dang re-st uv thar dang film), 'n ah couple uv thar dang harder-to-shoot-in-real-life scenes are re-placed n'all claymashun sequences, hot damn! Just because.

All 'n all, ah delightfully warped experience, even if thut thar thar drags ah bit towards thar dang end.

Vampire Huntuh D - Ah movie thut thar lives up tuh its hype - this'n am indeed thar dang best horror sci-fi western vampire anime film I've evuh seen, hot damn! Not overly burdened n'all charactuh development 'n existential musin' (as are some uv its ilk), this'n am ah fast paced, imaginative 'n ludicrously pretty romp about ah half-vampire bounty huntuh chasin' across ah post-apocalyptik Earth aftuh ah vampire who's kidnapped thar dang favourite daughtuh uv ah small town (or HAS he? Etc), pardner. Great acshun scenes, amazin' animashun, 'n thar dang voice uv Mike McShane uv Who's Line am thut thar thar Anyway / thut thar Robin Hood flick n'all Kevin Costnuh fame make thut thar thar ah gots tuh see fuh thar dang anime aficionado.

Ah little bit low on penis imagery 'n rape innuendo tuh make ah truly authentik manga experience, but y'all kaina have everything.

My futuristik linguistics turn fools into statistics.
08/04/2002

What thut thar thar is, am thut thar thar dang thin', pardner. Ah write tend tuh pop up lotsa or less fully-formed 'n maw brainmeats, 'n it bay just ah mattuh uv me gettin' 'em down, fiddlin' ah bit tuh get 'em soundin' right, then addin' links where appropriate, pardner. Ah keep ah short file uv amusin' one-liners thut thar I'll probably nevuh have ah re-ason tuh use (but fuck me they'll bay funny if Ah can), but Ah dona hella do thar dang jotting-down-ideas-for-later-use thin', Leroy! At thar dang most I'll have two or three thin', pardner. occur tuh me at once, 'n Ah kin just keep 'em 'n mind until Ah write 'em down, hot damn! Tryin' tuh keep ah list uv notes usually just ends up like:

1. Had idea tuh update thar dang Good Shit Guide n'all an entry on Good Shit Directors - Albert Pyun & Jim Wynorski, Sam Raimi & Petuh Jackson (digression on little guys movin' tuh bigass league/local lad made good), hot damn! Was about tuh start on thut thar thar when Ah sez this'n week's Listener 'n cannot understand why thar dang FUCK Philip Matthews has such ah chip on his'n shoulduh re-gardin' Renny Harlin (this time it bay Deep Blue Sea), pardner. Honestly - every film uv Harlin's thut thar bubba "reviews" has tuh include at least one jab at he all (usually involvin' thar dang word "hack"), Leroy! Sometimes bubba spends thar dang entire time wankin' on about all thar dang films thut thar Harlin has made thut thar bubba hates, 'n barely menshuns thar dang film he's supposed tuh bay tellin' us about, pardner. Thar dang Long Kiss Goodnight am one uv thar dang best acshun films uv thar dang 90s, dammit! Long story short: thinkin' about directors leads tuh me bein' pissed uvf at thar dang moment, Leroy! Entry'll have tuh wait.

2. Warm up re-viewin' muscles fuh start uv Incredible Film Festival, Leroy! Film re-views = perty good filler, this'n Ah know.

3. Somethin' on thar dang In-tuh-net bein' full uv fuckwits? (Shockin' news there...) Idiot teenagers, geek pedants, etc, pardner. (Humourous links tuh sites frequented bar idiot teenagers 'n pedantik geeks? Maybe not - these are thar dang cousins who start flame wars 'n Ah kaina bay fucked screenin' me Inbox, hot damn! And maybe one uv 'em gots ta actually bay competent enough tuh hack Paradise 'n fuck up maw account.) Opportunity tuh use thar dang "physically preenin' jocks 'n re-al life = intellectually preenin' geeks on thar dang in-tuh-net" spiel - still need an intellectual equivalent uv "machismo" tuh make thut thar thar work, Leroy! (One fuh "testosterone" wouldna go amiss either.)

4. Ah like pie, Leroy! Probably not ah column 'n that, Leroy! Probably.

5. Mr, Leroy! Fuckin' Stupid 'n thar dang Green Eggs 'n Ham! Both versions, Leroy! Only Ah did say that last one wuz thar dang last one ever, didna I? So Ah lie tuh maw re-adership - them's love thut thar thar (bitches).

6. Make entry out uv miscellaneous notes, half uv which Ah just made up now tuh make thar dang list longer, hot damn! Bugger, that's blown it.

Repeat Viewings
30/03/2002

Thar dang first movie Ah payed tuh see twice wuz Hot Shots 2 when Ah wuz 18, hot damn! Before thut thar Ah always figured thut thar thar wuz ah total waste uv money, but wut thar dang hell, thut thar thar wuz thar dang holidays, we'all had nothin' bettuh tuh do, 'n thut thar thar wuz ah funny film, dammit, hot damn! These days I've naw objecshun tuh seein' ah perty good film lotsa than once (disposable incomes, eh? Love 'em) - thar dang second time Ah saw Thar dang Matrix, thut thar thar wuz because Richard 'n Ah wanted tuh go see somethin' 'n figured thut thar nothin' thut thar had come out thut thar week could possibly bay as good.

Some films y'all kin just watch again 'n again 'n again - they're that fucking good, Leroy! Some uv 'em re-ward multiple viewin', pardner. n'all little details thut thar y'all didna pick up on thar dang first time, but which y'all know tuh look fuh next time, or which you're able tuh pick up on once y'all know whatall's goin' tuh happen next, pardner. Thar dang Sixth Sense am one uv thar dang bettuh examples there, hot damn! Thar dang Matrix has bits at thar dang start thut thar make much lotsa sense once y'all know wut thar dang deal is.

And some films - perty good films - discourage y'all ferm evuh seein' 'em again, Leroy! When axed fuh maw opinion uv Seven or Cube Ah generally re-ply "brilliant film - fuh thar dang love uv God dona go 'n see it." Ah kin appreciate thut thar they're perty good works uv cinema, but despite thut thar (no, actually, because they're such effective mindfucks) Ah kaina hella say Ah want tuh see eithuh uv 'em again, hot damn! Ever.

Now, Thar dang Big Hit Ah came out uv thinkin' "bloody hell thut thar wuz ah perty good film - an acshun comedy thut thar has damn perty good acshun 'n bloody funny comedy", but its just 'n all excruciatin' tuh watch ah second time knowin' just how much uv Marky Mark takin' shit ferm everyone y'all have tuh sit through before thin', Leroy! re-solve themselves.

And finally there are thar dang films thut thar manage tuh bay both enticin' 'n re-pellent n'all re-spect tuh multiple viewings, Leroy! Memento 'n Twelve Monkeys are thar dang ones ah'm thinkin' uv here - both very clever, but it bay just so fuckin' depressin' watchin' through 'em knowin' ferm thar dang beginnin' thut thar thar dang whole thing's goin' tuh turn out badly.

Naw point here, ah'm just pontificatin', Leroy! ah'm pretty sure Ah dona have tuh bay an actual pontiff tuh do that, pardner. Ah guess if Ah start gettin' dirty letters ferm thar dang Vatican, I'll know why.

" Y'all gots tuh stop n'all thar dang caffeine or y'alls head gots ta explode right now" bubba says...
20/03/2002

So Ah quit n'all thar dang Mountain Dew, hot damn! Again, pardner. Unlike the last time, where Ah wuz mainly "worried" about maw health 'n general well-bein', hot damn! this'n time ah'm motivated bar lotsa immediate concerns.

See, Ah just came uvf Losec, thar dang drug thut thar wuz stoppin' maw stomach acids ferm dissolvin' maw oesophagus ferm thar dang inside, 'n ah'm ah little antipathetik towards introducin' addishunal acids tuh maw system, bay them's citric, carbonik or hydrofluoric, hot damn! (Yes, thut thar thar wuz me thut thar nicked all thut thar acid - Ah used thut thar thar tuh give maw Raro ah bit lotsa kick, pardner. But naw more.) ah'm not actually uvf caffeine itself, but since Ah dona want thut thar thar fizzy, kaina stand coffee 'n think energy drinks are fuh wankers, Ah may as well be.

So instead uv vague potential harms keepin' me uvf thar dang stuff, ah'm now motivated bar thar dang desire tuh avoid sayin' "oh fuck, there's ah smokin' hole 'n maw chest." With any luck Ah might last - ah'm not even noticin' maw tiredness (although daylight savin', Leroy! may have had ah hand 'n that).

Ah think there's ah lesson fuh all addicts here - y'all wanna quit? Make thut thar thar immediately physically painful tuh indulge y'alls addicshun! Inject ammonia into y'alls smokes! Mix ground glass into y'alls alcohol! Hire Lithuanian midgets tuh beat y'all 'n thar dang face n'all ah claw hammuh whenevuh y'all listen tuh Linkin Park! It bay just common sense, re-ally.

I'm hella not sure where this'n comes ferm sometimes.
13/03/2002

It bay not uncommon fuh America tuh bay described as thar dang school bully uv thar dang internashunal playground - thar dang bigass surly bugguh who gets whatevuh thar dang fuck bubba wants whenevuh thar dang fuck bubba wants 'n wut thar dang fuck are y'all gonna do about it? Not bad, but here's how Ah like tuh think uv it:

Remembuh when Pulp's Jarvis Cockuh "invaded" Michael Jackson's stage show at thar dang 1996 BRIT Awards? Sure y'all do - Jackson wuz prancin' around on stage "dressed 'n Messiah-white .., Leroy! surrounded by, among others, worshippin' children 'n ah rabbi." Look at this'n fella - clearly delusional, yet bigass enough 'n rich enough tuh get away n'all it, bubba struts his'n weird little pantomime 'n front uv an internashunal audience 'n honestly seems tuh think everyone gots ta buy it, pardner. Not only that, but bubba seems genuinely unaware uv thar dang re-st uv thar dang world's opinion uv he all (not, Ah imagine, thut thar bubba hella gives ah shit), Leroy! Sound familiar yet?

Thar dang fella quite clearly thinks he's Jesus, hot damn! And there's y'alls metaphor: America thinks it bay Jesus, Leroy! Which, as we'all all know am ah common symptom uv psychosis, pardner. Hmm.

'n conclusion, Noam Chomsky am Jarvis Cocker, Leroy! Bet y'all didna see thut thar one coming.

Hey kids, smokin' am cool! And perty good fuh you!!
06/03/2002

While ah'm ferm ah family uv non-smokers (my mothuh gave up when thar hen git pregnant n'all me - ta, Mum), ah'm goin' out n'all ah smokuh 'n plenty uv maw friends are nicotine addicts as well, hot damn! It bay stinky, but wut thar dang hell - most cousins Ah know are very considerate about thut thar thar - only smokin' outside when they're at othuh people's places, nevuh smokin' 'n cars or anythin' like that, hot damn! And besides, they're not out home invadin' or sellin' they's arses fuh they's next fix (that Ah know uv), so thin', pardner. could bay worse.

At work, ah couple uv guys ferm thar dang American uvfice are ovuh at thar dang moment, 'n one uv 'em - ah smokuh - wuz marvellin' at thar dang health warnin', hot damn! thut thar thar dang cigarette companies are re-quired tuh display:

"Look at this'n - apparently, Smokin' Causes Lung Cancer! And, Smokin' Harms Those Around You! Let's bomb some Arabs!"

OK, Ah made thut thar last bit up, but thut thar thar wuz interestin' tuh see his'n re-acshun, hot damn! Ah figured thin', Leroy! would even bay lotsa blatant state-side - maybe them's all listened tuh Denis Leary when bubba said thut thar "you could have cigarettes thut thar come 'n ah black pack, n'all ah skull 'n ah crossbone on thar dang front, called Tumors 'n smokers would bay lined up around thar dang block..."

My personal theory am thut thar thar dang cigarette warnin', Leroy! arena ah health warnin' at all - they're ah marketin' ploy, pardner. So many different messages - Smokin' Am Addictive, Smokin' Kills, Smokin' Harms Others, Smokin' Makes thar dang Baby Jesus Cry, etc, hot damn! - they're collectable! Smokers have tuh keep smokin' tuh collect thar dang whole set!

They're tricky buggers, those tobacco-peddlin' corporate bastards.

Links, missin' 'n otherwise.
03/03/2002

So Ah watched ah bit uv Thar dang Weakest Link thar dang othuh day, hot damn! Jesus fuck.

Ah understand thut thar Anne Robinson, thar dang dominatrix ferm thar dang original British version, wuz ah journalist much like our own Louise Wallace, Leroy! Thar dang difference am thut thar theirs wuz apparently known tuh bay ah genuine abrasive bitch - publicity on the show's site claims that "Writing columns in a variety of British tabloid newspapers, The Mirror, and later in The Sun, Today and The Times, she honed her caustic style and Rottweiler approach." Unlike ours - hard-hitting reporter maybe, but submissive's wet dream? Also, dear Louise is too well known in our country of a mere 4-or-so million, so we know the Mistress Bitch routine is all an act. Frankly it gets embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as the contestants, really. Almost.

"Name the colour of the rainbow whose name consists of two consonants and two vowels."

"Purple?"

Oh sweet Christ. I guess they deliberately screen hopefuls to find the dumbest they can get. And the most spineless - I long for the day when we hear:

"That was a stupid answer, Bob."

"Suck my balls, Louise."

Or:

"You are the weakest link, Timothy - good bye."

"Get fucked, Louise. No, seriously, get fucked. Jam your weakest link directly up your prissy, Gina Hardface-Bitch-wannabe arse."

That'd brighten my whole week no end.

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