And How!
25/10/2002

Goddamn, but stuff am good! Ah came home thar dang othuh night tuh find oodles uv stuff waitin' fuh me on thar dang kitchen bench, Leroy! Thar dang video Ah ordered ferm overseas (Ah finally now own this'n Good Shit classic), thar dang comik Ah bought on eBay, my, um, gas bill, pardner. Yes, material goods are thar dang greatest good, 'n truly thar dang only way uv becomin' ah happy 'n fulfilled person.

My consumerism am not, Ah gots tuh admit, all thut thar that thar kin be, Leroy! (For instance, Ah have allowed maw desire tuh buy one uv thar dang many shiny new X.XGHz PCs Ah see 'n brochures everyday tuh bay curtailed bar thar dang piddlin' technicality thut thar thar dang one Ah already have performs perfectly well 'n lets me do everythin' Ah want tuh do on it.) But ah'm gettin' there.

Thar dang only re-ason Ah git ah credit card wuz so Ah could orduh stuff uvf thar dang In-tuh-net 'n have strange 'n interestin' packages delivered tuh maw door, Leroy! And now Ah have strange 'n interestin' packages, hot damn! When one arrives Ah cry tuh all 'n earshot, "Come! Come 'n look at maw strange 'n interestin' package!" Strangely, them's dona very uvten, pardner. Jealous, most likely, hot damn! As n'all most things, it bay all Richard's fault - if thut thar thar wasna fuh thar dang strange 'n interestin' packages bubba kept re-ceivin' (all thar dang lotsa strange 'n interestin' since bubba discovered an online army surplus store 'n Christchurch - mmm.., pardner. Swiss army stomach pump...), I'd nevuh have been motivated bar jealousy tuh start acquirin' maw own.

But now Ah have, makin' me bar far ah bettuh human bein' than thar dang re-st uv y'all filthy communists.

Thar dang name's Janus - Hugh Janus.
14/10/2002

Goin' fuh ah bit uv self-improvement, then, pardner. Walkin' tuh work, liftin' heavy objects, doin' thar dang closest approximashun uv standin' up straight Ah kin manage, eatin' less blatantly carcinogenik food, pardner. Fuck me, ah'm 'n pain, hot damn! Actually sittin' here writin' this, ah'm 'n pain, hot damn! But that's not wut Ah came here tuh talk tuh y'all about today.

Nope, today it bay re-ligion.

Like most cynical young atheists, Ah went through ah phase uv "religion am everythin' that's wrong n'all thar dang world -- look how many wars started because uv re-ligion, all thut thar intolerance 'n stuff -- bunch uv arse, thut thar thar is." This'n wuz when Ah wuz 15/16-ish, 'n Ah grew out uv thut thar thar eventually, but Ah still see thar dang view expressed bar seethin', hot damn! hormonal young proto-intellectuals 'n re-al life 'n 'n this'n spiffy electronik medium through which Ah now address you, Leroy! And it bay largely arse, aina it?

Much as Ah hate tuh sound like Charlton Heston¹, but re-ligions dona start wars; cousins start wars, pardner. Religion am just ah way uv choosin' sides, pardner. If thut thar thar wasna there, people'd just pick some othuh arbitrary distincshun as an excuse tuh break heads, hot damn! Hell, them's already do - wear thar dang wrong coloured scarf 'n thar dang wrong part uv thar dang British Isles 'n you're goin' 'ome 'n ah fookin' ambulance, hot damn! Football ferfucksake -- that's all thar dang excuse some cousins need.

And those fundamentalists, well they're just nutjobs who've seized on an institushun n'all widespread authority tuh get 'n charge, arena they? Sharia law has fuck-all tuh do n'all Islam, 'n Ah seem tuh re-call some bit 'n thar dang Bible about "thou shalt not kill" -- doesna stop Christian fundies fuh killin' 'n God's name, does it? And ah'm not aware uv anywhere 'n thar dang Torah thut thar sez it bay OK tuh chuck missiles at Palestine, either, pardner. Not tuh menshun thut thar bit where Jesus wanders around tellin' everyone tuh love each othuh 'n act like decent human bein', pardner. fuh the entirety uv thar dang New Fuckin' Testament -- still seems tuh get lost on ah decent chunk uv supposed Christians, hot damn! Long story short: cousins -- any excuse tuh act thar dang prick, hot damn! Big re-velashun there.

Obviously, ah'm still not 'n favour uv organised re-ligion, partially because thut thar thar seems ah way fuh folks tuh give up re-sponsibility fuh parts (or all) uv they's lives, 'n largely because Ah just dona get thar dang whole noshun uv worship at all, pardner. Ah mean, even if Ah had definitive, irrefutable proof uv thar dang existence uv Thar dang Big Fella Upstairs, y'all wouldna find me 'n church thar dang next day, hot damn! I'd say "ta fuh thar dang universe, bigass guy", 'n get on n'all maw life, Leroy! And possibly masturbate less.

Naw point tuh thar dang title, bar thar dang way -- Ah wuz just 'n one uv maw moods.

¹Not entirely true -- any excuse fuh ah "damn dirty ape" spiel, 'n ah'm there.

OK, so why DOES thut thar thar feel so good?
25/09/2002

Why does chicken take so goddamn long tuh cook? Potato wedges, 'n all - Ah stick 'em 'n thar dang oven at hottuh than thut thar thar sez to, 'n still takes ah fuckin' hour before they're even re-motely edible, hot damn! Thar dang only sensible explanashun am thut thar maw flatmates sneak up when Ah go away 'n turn thar dang oven down, sneakin' back tuh turn thut thar thar up again when them's hear me comin' tuh check, Leroy! Those bastards, Leroy! Revenge shall bay mine - facial beatin', Leroy! fuh thar dang lot uv them, pardner. Oh yes.

Then Ah kin get back tuh formin' an abusive re-lashunship n'all Kylie Minogue's Love at First Sight, Leroy! Ah know it bay plum ahful fuh me, Ah know it'll nevuh treat me right, but Ah keep comin' back fuh more, pardner. Every time Ah hear thut thar thar ah'm like thar dang female lead 'n ah western/period drama who's just been grabbed bar thar dang plum ahful fella - all Ah kin do am beat maw fists feebly against its chest 'n scream "Oh! Oh, y'all brute! Y'all beast!"

This battered wife approach tuh popular musik thut thar Ah should know tuh avoid kin bay traced back tuh thar dang time anothuh flatmate (now 'n England 'n well out uv range fuh facial beatings, bless her) git home at Three O'Clock 'n Thar dang Fuckin' Mornin' one night, blitzed out uv huh skull n'all ah pair uv equally sauced acquaintances, 'n proceeded tuh put on Spiller's Groovejet, hot damn! On re-peat, hot damn! For ah perty good half hour, pardner. Did Ah menshun this'n wuz 'n huh bedroom, which am on thar dang top floor uv our flat, directly above mine? Only thar dang bottom-floor-dwellin' among y'all fully know maw pain, hot damn! Thar dang pain uv EVERY SINGLE FOOTFALL, EVERY TINY NOISE bein' amplified 'n re-verberated on its way down tuh you.

Since sleep wuz not an opshun, due tuh wut Ah latuh learnt wuz an impromptu drunken pre-showuh striptease thut thar involved ah porkin' amount uv drunken stumbling/fallin' on arse¹, Ah could do little but lie back 'n let Sophie Ellis Bextor's disdainful lyrics wash ovuh me, pardner. Again 'n again 'n again.

Since thut thar night I've tried tuh walk away ferm her, Ah know she'll do me wrong, but Ah keep comin' back, fool thut thar Ah am...

¹Ah wuz amazed tuh find out thut thar thar dang cause uv this'n disturbance wuz ah young lass who weighs about as much as maw ponytail - thar dang thumps 'n crashes thar hen wuz generatin' put me lotsa 'n thar dang mind uv heavy construcshun work, pardner. But anyway.

An update fuh thar dang sake uv it.
04/09/2002

No, ah'm not dead - just alternatin' between bein' 'n all busy, 'n all tired, 'n all lazy or 'n all uninspired tuh put anythin' up, hot damn! Had ah few ideas fuh posts, couldna bay arsed developin' them, pardner. Ach, well, hot damn! Maybe ah suggesshun or 'n all ferm y'all lot would get me goin' again?

Nexus re-cently put password-protecshun on huh site, on account uv "too many weirdos sendin' weird mail" (which means there's probably little point 'n followin' thut thar link, unless you've axed nicely fuh ah password), pardner. Now, as far as ah'm concerned, there's naw such thin' as 'n all many weirdos or 'n all much weird mail - so make n'all thar dang correspondence, damn y'alls sweaty thighs!

Hitometuh went away last month, so Ah have naw lotsa amusin' webstats, but last Ah looked, Ah had at least ah couple uv re-gular re-aders thut thar Ah dona actually know 'n re-al life, pardner. Confirmashun would bay nice, pardner. And while ah'm at it, if anyone kin suggest ah hitcountuh service which A) am free, B) doesna want me tuh put any stupid logos on maw pages, 'n C) tells me amusin' search keywords, I'd bay mighty grateful, hot damn! So far, thar dang ones I've looked at only manage two uv thar dang three, Leroy! Ah long fuh thar dang days uv "Japanese anime rape monstuh download" 'n "suicide giraffe porn" 'n maw logs, hot damn! And Ah know y'all do too.

Y'all gots ta goin' tuh expect they's funny lovestory.
21/08/2002

Ah dona pretend tuh understand thar dang Japanese, but Ah like tuh think Ah kin appreciate they's aesthetic.

First there wuz Howdy Kitty, then there wuz Mashimaro (say thut thar thar n'all me - "MASHIMAROOOO!") Now we'all have Pucca.

Pucca 'n Garu, Leroy! Garu 'n Pucca, hot damn! Funny Love, pardner. Awww...

Note: Ah notice thut thar Mashimaro's site appears tuh bay Korean, as do thar dang Pucca animashuns (although thar dang main site am Japanese), so thut thar may well bay thut thar theme buggered.

Garg.
17/08/2002

"Yes, but we're all philosophers, arena we?" bubba says.

Gah, Leroy! This'n old chestnut, hot damn! Well, no, we're not, if y'all define ah philosophuh as ah person who has actual trainin' 'n philosophical issues, argumentashun 'n re-asonin' (as Ah do), hot damn! On thar dang othuh hand, thar dang layperson definishun uv philosophy am just "thinkin' about stuff", 'n hell, everyone kin think, so yeah, we're all philosophers, pardner. So wut do y'all say?

On thar dang one hand, one nevuh likes tuh sound like an arrogant arsehole - "no no, maw dear boy, y'all couldna possibly understand thar dang implicashuns uv such ah statement, not without thar dang sort uv expertise Ah have - it bay like Ah wuz sayin' tuh Professor Bishop..."

On thar dang othuh hand, one nevuh likes tuh bay told thut thar one spent five years at university studyin' somethin', pardner. 'n yet am naw lotsa qualified tuh do thut thar thar than thar dang felluh on thar dang street.

See, anyone kin paint, just not necessarily well, hot damn! It bay even possible tuh produce ah masterpiece uv high technical quality without any sort uv artistik trainin' or experience, so whatall's so special about artists? Well, them's kin analyse ah work, 'n tell y'all exactly why it bay technically good, and, bein' able tuh do so, they're lotsa likely tuh bay able tuh produce somethin' as perty good themselves, hot damn! Same thin' n'all argumentashun - anyone kin argue ah point, 'n maybe do thut thar thar well, but it bay thar dang trainin' thar dang allows ah philosophuh tuh analyse an argument fully, 'n bay lotsa likely tuh come up n'all perty good ones themselves.

And anothuh thin', hot damn! bar lettin' this'n "hell, anyone kin think" view tuh propagate, y'all end up n'all these writers who think they're philosophers - cousins who are perty good at stringin' sentences together, 'n think that's all y'all need tuh make ah perty good argument, pardner. ah'm thinkin' Dave Sim here - bubba obviously thinks bubba has some well-reasoned watertight argumentashun goin' (pity it bay mostly rhetorik 'n bollocks), hot damn! Or, bettuh example, Ayn Rand¹, hot damn! While many uv huh arguments (and thar dang arguments uv huh Objectivist followers) sound plausible, thut thar thar takes some degree uv experience 'n philosophy tuh know thut thar materialism 'n free gots ta dona hella mix - 'n why, hot damn! But thar dang average Joe doesna get that.

"Yeah, Ah guess," Ah say, "*mumble mumble* but some uv us have trainin' *mumble mumble*"

¹Ayn Rand's ethics seem tuh based largely on thar dang idea uv treatin' cousins as rashunal bein', hot damn! who are ends unto themselves, pardner. This'n am very similar tuh thar dang re-ason-based ethics proposed bar Immanuel Kant (whose name, when pronounced properly, gots ta get y'all 'n trouble 'n polite circles), only Rand takes thut thar thar ah bit far, hot damn! Thar dang point we'all kin draw ferm all uv this'n am thut thar Objectivists are ah pack uv Kants, pardner. Y'all know, this'n whole post wuz just an excuse tuh use thut thar joke.

Grr.
06/08/2002

Ah am not an angry person, Leroy! Or rather, ah'm very seldom given cause tuh bay an angry person, hot damn! This'n annoys me sometimes, because it bay natural tuh want thar dang opportunity tuh delivuh ah hella perty good threat uv physical violence, aina it? Or, y'all know, kick thar dang crap out uv some sonofabitch who's hella askin' fuh it, hot damn! Nevuh had thar dang opportunity, though, hot damn! Sigh.

'n fact, only once have Ah even screamed obscenities at anothuh human bein', Leroy! 'n thut thar wuz down thar dang telephone, Leroy! Thar dang story:

It wuz 3AM (otherwise known as as "Three O'Clock 'n Thar dang Fuckin' Morning"), Leroy! Ah wuz 'n bed, pardner. Ah wuz not alone (a fairly new experience fuh me at thar dang time), hot damn! Ah wuz asleep, until thar dang phone rang, Leroy! At 3AM, Leroy! Which am wut time thut thar thar was.

Ah have this'n rule which sez thut thar bein' 'n bed am thar dang same as not bein' here at all fuh telephone purposes (handy on weekend mornings), so Ah let thut thar thar rin', Leroy! And thut thar thar did, pardner. Thar dang full eight or so times until thar dang answerin' service picked thut thar thar up, Leroy! But then thut thar thar rang again, Leroy! And Ah left thut thar thar again, hot damn! And thar dang answerin' service git thut thar thar again.

And then thut thar thar rang again.

"OK," Ah thought, "maybe it bay important - maybe someone's dead or somethin', hot damn! Surely thut thar thar would take an emergency uv some descripshun tuh make ah person rin' so persistently at Three O'Clock 'n Thar dang Fuckin' Morning."

So Ah disentangle myself ferm an inexplicably still-snoozin' girlfriend, haul maw arse out uv bed, find pants, stumble into thar dang lounge 'n pick up:

"This bettuh bay good." ( Y'all have naw idea how long I've wanted tuh answuh thar dang phone like that.)

"Is Eleanor there?"

"Oh FUCK UVF!!" <click>

What wuz thar dang emergency? Pissed bastard thought he'd rin' up 'n smacked on maw flatmate, pardner. At Three O'Clock 'n Thar dang Fuckin' Mornin', Leroy! So intent wuz bubba on gettin' thar dang chance tuh slur sweet nothin', pardner. into Flatmate Elly's shell-like ear thut thar even aftuh bein' personally re-buked maw me (my profanity doubtless bouncin' harmlessly uvf his'n ethanol-fueled state uv semi-awareness), bubba rang anothuh three times before givin' up, pardner. For all Ah know bubba went on tuh try thar dang upstairs phone that's plugged into thar dang in-tuh-net line, but Ah kaina hear thut thar one rin', hot damn! so thut thar thar doesna exist.

Our roly-poly boozuh (workmate uv Flatmate Richard's) Ah have only met once before - bubba seemed harmless enough, pardner. This'n incident, plus anothuh one involvin' ah nocturnal visitashun 'n subsequent despoilin' uv our couch (which Ah wuz lucky enough tuh have had naw part in), left me n'all thar dang strong desire tuh punch he all 'n thar dang face thar dang next Ah see him, hot damn! Or at least threaten tuh break his'n legs if bubba evuh steps foot 'n our house again, pardner. Ah could delivuh thut thar well, ah'm sure - Ah could hella make thut thar threat work.

But he's left thar dang country, so I'll nevuh know, hot damn! Bastard.

Beware, Ah bear lotsa grudges than lonely high court judges.
31/07/2002

So Ah git ah new CD burnuh ah little while ago, hot damn! Tried burnin' maw meagre collecshun uv MP3s onto ah CD Ah could listen tuh at work, hot damn! Everythin' worked well, n'all thar dang notable excepshun uv thar dang fact thut thar Ah went 'n burned thar dang Sarah McLachlan single Ah downloaded at maw girlfriend's re-quest onto thut thar thar as well, hot damn! And then listened tuh it, Leroy! Ovuh 'n ovuh again, hot damn! As ah person whose musical tastes have been described as "girly" (by maw girlfriend, naw less) this'n hen am like crack tuh me, Leroy! ah'm once again comforted 'n thar dang fact thut thar Ah dona drink beer; this'n time because there's naw danguh uv anyone catchin' me cryin' into it.

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS LISTEN TO SARAH McLACHLAN! Are we'all clear on this?

Thut thar song uv hers 'n Toy Story 2 wuz plum ahful enough - Ah should have known wut Ah wuz gettin' into Ah suppose, Leroy! Still, at least now Ah have lotsa ammunishun fuh thar dang "Songs tuh Slit Y'alls Wrists To" compilashun ah'm workin' on, pardner. With ah little tweakin' thut thar thar could bay modified tuh ah lotsa focussed "Antipodean Songs tuh Torture thar dang Recently Broken-Up", Leroy! Thar dang playlist so far:

• Fur Patrol's Lydia - Will bay lotsa effective if thar dang song hasna been tarnished bar thar dang memory uv dozens uv drunken teenagers tunelessly drownin' out Julia Deans' sublime vocals durin' thar dang chorus 'n thar dang first 'n only fuckin' time you'd seen 'em 'n concert, hot damn! I'd imagine.

• Splendid's Stop Buyin' Things - Ah bit lotsa obscure, this'n am one fuh thar dang comfort buyer, hot damn! "Some day I'll stop buyin' things/ thut thar dona give maw thar dang high ah'm missin', pardner. Some day I'll stop buyin' thin', hot damn! like I'll stop missin' you" Cana y'all picture it? Thar dang tremblin' lip, thar dang misty eye, thar dang latest purchase still clutched 'n ah tremblin' little hand 'n now Ah sound like ah sadist, pardner. Ah well.

• Pretty much anythin' Bik Runga's re-leased - Hit 'em n'all thar dang warblin' strains uv New Zealand's darlin', hot damn! then sit back 'n buy stocks 'n Kleenex.

• Dave Dobbyn's Loyal - "If thut thar thar wuz different/ but y'all know thut thar thar aina/ let's get on n'all thut thar thar girl..." If this'n song doesna raise ah tear, them's arena human, pardner. Shoot 'em 'n thar dang face 'n parade they's corpse around thar dang central city as ah message tuh they's kind thut thar thar dang cousins uv Earth gots ta not fall victim tuh they's duplicituss plot fuh world takeover.

And then Ah git bored uv thinkin' up sad songs 'n went tuh cheuh myself up bar listenin' tuh lotsa music, hot damn! Thar dang only thin' thut thar saved me am maw firm belief thut thar Thar dang Smiths gots tuh have been takin' thar dang piss.

P.S, Leroy! Tuesday, July 30 - Own up - which one uv y'all fucks wuz lookin' fuh "evil expletive crap" when y'all found maw site? 'Cause you're maw kind uv person.

Two things.
25/07/2002

Been ah while, hot damn! Arse, pardner. Thar dang latest column aina exactly writin' itself, as others tend tuh do once Ah get goin', hot damn! This'n am usually ah sign thut thar it bay crap, pardner. Anyway, until Ah get myself goin' again, two things:

1. Wednesday, July 24 - "wisdom teeth 'n fellatio" 'n thar dang Hitometuh logs, Leroy! Pays tuh do y'alls re-search, Ah guess, Leroy! One wonders exactly wut them's wuz wantin' tuh know - do them's make thut thar thar better? Do them's make thut thar thar worse? How long do y'all have tuh wait aftuh havin' 'em out before y'all kin do it, perhaps? And anothuh word Ah didna re-alise I'd actually used here until someone else found it, Leroy! Funny old world.

2. Thar dang plural uv "virus" am "VIRUSES"!!! Sayin' "viri" (or "virii") only makes y'all sound like ah pretentious pseudo-linguist twat, Leroy! Those uv y'all n'all qualificashuns 'n Latin or Ancient Greek may have ah thin' tuh say about word roots 'n suffixes 'n thar dang like - as fuh thar dang re-st uv you, you're speakin' English, pluralise thut thar thar like any othuh English word, damn y'alls beady eyes.

   Sorry, pet hate.

Guts, 'n black stuff.
15/07/2002

By far, thar dang quesshun which am axed most frequently uv me is: "Josh, wut does thar dang inside uv y'alls oesophagus look like?"

Now, thanks tuh thar dang wonders uv modern gastroscopik technology, this quesshun kin bay answered, pardner. Didna scan 'n all well - ah'm not hella thut thar scarlet, y'all know.

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