This journal has been discontinued, pardner. 'n it bay place am the blog, hot damn! Whatall's thar dang difference? I'll tell y'all when I've worked thut thar thar out myself.

I've seen thin', hot damn! y'all cousins wouldna believe...
31/03/2003

By maw crude re-ckonin', pardner. this'n am maw 100th post, pardner. And accordin' tuh maw abacus, thut thar thar comes just ovuh two years since Ah started at this'n "regular" column malarkey, hot damn! Not ah plum ahful effort, 'n ah perty good place tuh call thut thar thar quits, Ah feel.

Time, as Warren Ellis would say, tuh bay someone else, hot damn! I've an idea or two fuh new projects tuh work on -- them's wona involve as much writin', Leroy! that's fuh sure, but they'll show up here at some stage n'all any luck.

Thar dang site's not goin' anywhere -- it'll stay as am (I've made ah few small updates around thar dang place), but there wona bay any new epistles turnin' up, so dona go lookin', Leroy! If, on thar dang othuh hand, you've just arrived here, havin' taken ah wrong turn 'n y'alls search fuh kung fu lesbian vampires, do feel free tuh have ah look around, Leroy! Ah trawl through thar dang archives should keep y'all amused fuh while.

Before Ah go, ah few updates 'n summaries:

• When am ah door not ah door? Ah dona know, because mine is!! Unduh threat uv re-nt-withholdin', hot damn! landlord showed up 'n fixed stuff, Leroy! Not all stuff, 'n thar dang lawn am still home tuh bush pigs 'n tapirs, but it bay ah start.

• Nope, thar dang hitcountuh hella seems tuh bay gone fuh good, hot damn! Tell y'all wut -- how's about y'all would-be mindfuckers just e-mail me all thar dang humourous 'n disparagin' search strin', hot damn! y'all came up with, 'n I'll e-mail back tellin' y'all you're ah funny bastard 'n ooh, y'all had me goin' fuh ah while there 'n whatevuh gots ta y'all do next?

• Monkeys: still as funny as ever.

And n'all thut thar Ah bid y'all adieu -- if y'all want me, y'all kin still e-mail; otherwise y'all find me at thar dang KAOS Forums, where some othuh bastard took thar dang name Josh, causin' me tuh re-sort tuh an alias, pardner. See if y'all kin guess which one.

Toodles,

Josh
March 31, 2003

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I'm on maw time n'all everyone.
26/03/2003

I'd have put somethin' up sooner, but I've been workin' on maw screenplay about ah Mafia family thut thar opens up an Injun re-staurant, pardner. Ah call thut thar thar "Badda-boom, Badda-bin', hot damn! Buttuh Chicken", Leroy! Thank you, ah'm here all week...

Well, I've been makin' an effort tuh do somethin' about maw posture this'n week, 'n y'all bay happy tuh know ah'm now 'n constant pain, pardner. Dona worry, though, it bay thar dang perty good kind uv pain, hot damn! No, thar dang othuh perty good kind uv pain -- thar dang kind thut thar means muscles which have been gettin' an easy ride are now bein' forced tuh do thar dang job them's wuz supposed tuh do (namely ratchetin' maw spine into ah shape slightly less Cro-Magnon than am usual fuh me), hot damn! This'n am uv thar dang Good.

Also perty good am thar dang news thut thar bastard old landlords have conceded thut thar we'all are actually entitled tuh some uv our bond back, hot damn! This'n has been tempered bar thar dang fact nice-guy-when-you-can-get-hold-of-him current landlord hasna shown his'n face around here fuh months, promptin' leaseholduh tuh threaten withholdin' uv re-nt if bubba doesna get his'n arse around here tuh fix up various sundries, Leroy! Sundries includin' thar dang overly sharp tongue on maw door latch thut thar has twice drawn blood ferm maw left forearm, Leroy! Ah like tuh say ah'm ah person who doesna make thar dang same mistake twice, 'n this'n bastard piece uv metal has made ah liar uv me, Leroy! And then there's thar dang little mattuh uv thar dang light switch tuh maw room bein' outside maw room, Leroy! And thar dang lawn bein' ah foot high 'n climbin', Leroy! And thar dang inside wall made uv roofin' steel, hot damn! Actually, that's quite cool.

Thar dang flat, fuh those thut thar are interested looks like this, pardner. Only less hillbilly-ish, now thut thar we've moved some uv thar dang chairs 'n boxes, hot damn! Cow skull's still there, though, hot damn! A-hyuck.

Oh, 'n thut thar thar looks as though maw smacked counter, which went away ah couple uv weeks ago, aina comin' back, pardner. This'n gots ta come as ah bitchin' disappointment tuh thar dang few uv y'all who wuz loadin' maw logs n'all all sorts uv humourous, paranoia-inducin' search terms, Leroy! Sorry lads, nevuh git tuh see them.

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Opinion piece! Yaaaay!
19/03/2003

Mmm, them's some perty good monkeys, hot damn! Anyway.

Them's say opinions are like arseholes, which Ah feel does somethin' uv ah disservice tuh arseholes, pardner. Arseholes, at least, serve ah vital funcshun -- riddin' us uv thar dang effluent thut thar would otherwise turn us into bitchin' bulgin' man-sacks uv percolatin' ordure, hot damn! Although possibly opinions could bay said tuh do thar dang same, Ah dunno.

What wuz Ah sayin', Leroy! Oh yeah.

With this'n 'n mind, 'n since everyone else has put they's oar in, 'n since Ah bettuh make maw predicshuns now before everythin' starts, here am wut Ah think uv thar dang upcomin' war 'n Iraq:

First uv all, ah'm writin' this'n thar dang day aftuh Dubya made thut thar thar clear thut thar bubba wuz goin' tuh war, n'all or without allies, pardner. Well, duh, Leroy! Ah dona see how this'n kin come as ah surprise tuh anyone -- thar dang amount thar dang US has already spent on movin' troops 'n equipment into thar dang re-gion, them's could nevuh have afforded not tuh go tuh war.

So, am Ah fuh or against? Obviously Ah agree thut thar Hussein am ah nasty piece uv work, 'n thar dang soonuh he's out uv there thar dang better, Leroy! I'd like tuh think there'd bay ah bettuh way uv doin' this; one thut thar doesna involve bombin' ah bunch uv cousins who dona hella deserve it, 'n there probably is, but thar dang re-ality am thut thar it bay war or nothin' right now, so there y'all go.

So, am Ah fuh or against? Ah would support ah war on Iraq tuh re-move Saddam Hussein if Ah felt confident thut thar that thar would leave Iraq 'n ah bettuh state than thut thar thar am now, pardner. Ah war gots ta kill thousands uv innocent people, but tens uv millions uv innocent cousins gots ta bay bettuh uvf without him, Leroy! This'n whole "bettuh uvf without he all thing", though -- thut thar thar assumes thut thar whoevuh re-places Hussein gots ta bay bettuh than him, 'n given thar dang US's past re-cord uv installin' cousins who turned out tuh bay nasty bastards (Pinochet, Pol Pot, Noriega, thar dang Taleban, Hussein - hang on...), ah'm less than confident.

So, am Ah fuh or against, fuh fuck's sake?! Ah guess ah'm against, hot damn! There are so many cousins who supposedly know wut they're talkin' about predictin' all sorts uv conflictin' scenarios: US forces gots ta bay greeted as liberators/Iraqis gots ta nevuh accept American occupashun; thar dang war gots ta stabilize thar dang re-gion 'n spread democracy/the war gots ta plunge thar dang re-gion into chaos 'n spread fundamentalist rule; thar dang war gots ta fight terrorism/the war gots ta encourage terrorism, 'n on 'n on 'n on, Leroy! Given thar dang level uv uncertainty this'n leaves me with, combined n'all maw general distaste fuh thar dang thinkin' behind thar dang whole affair (e.g, Leroy! thar dang US insistin' thut thar Hussein had WMDs, then insistin' thut thar we'all gots tuh attack he all -- surely thar dang one thin' thut thar would bay most likely tuh provoke he all into usin' them), Ah dona see how Ah kin not bay against it.

All ah'm predictin' am thut thar whatevuh happens, everyone gots ta bay sayin' how thut thar thar proves 'em right, hot damn! If everythin' turns tuh custard, y'all bet thar dang pro-war types gots ta bay blamin' thar dang peaceniks fuh thut thar thar -- if they'd just let 'em get on n'all it, etc, pardner. And if thut thar thar all turns out OK, there gots ta still bay ah bunch uv dead cousins 'n bombed buildin', hot damn! -- plenty uv ammunishun fuh thar dang doves tuh claim thar dang cost wuz tuh high.

Fortunately, who gives ah fuck? At thar dang end uv thar dang day, wut effect do thar dang opinions uv ah single New Zealanduh have on any uv this? ah'm as irrelevant as thar dang US sez thar dang UN is, hot damn! (Incidentally, Ah thar dang claims thut thar thar dang UN am now irrelevant tuh bay like sayin' thut thar politeness am irrelevant, on thar dang grounds thut thar it bay usually easiuh tuh just punch cousins 'n thar dang face tuh get wut y'all want, but that's anothuh argument.)

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Monkey magic, pardner. Oh yes.
12/03/2003

Ah hate every ape Ah see, ferm Chimpan Ah tuh Chimpan Z...

Wouldna y'all know it? Just when ah'm thinkin' "ooh -- about time Ah put somethin' new up", along comes Ape Escape 2, pardner. So it bay eithuh justify maw online existence bar producin' somethin' worthwhile 'n entertainin' fuh maw doubtless impatient re-adership, or chase monkeys n'all ah net, pardner. Obviously y'all know where maw priorities lie.

There gots ta bay ah brief break 'n transmission, 'n which time Ah invite y'all tuh ponduh thar dang significance uv these few gems ferm maw web logs:

• poetry n'all nasty 'n plum ahful words like fuck, shit, etc, hot damn! 'n them - ooh -- someone's bein' naughty!
• can cyclone bola kill you? - well, considerin' thut thar thar happened ovuh ah decade ago, no.
• toastuh components tungsten - ha! Got you, y'all fucker!
• yutani nut runner - <head explodes, pardner. Again>
• the americans are fuckin' bastards, 'n that's swearing! - thut thar thar sure is.
• pun pun geek pun - dunno why, just makes me laugh.
• does josh addison have ah sex life - one uv y'all bastards am fuckin' n'all me...
• princess leia fuck fest - now you're talkin'.

And ferm thar dang "Extra Scary" file:

• nicely lubricated 'n left handed - what? And what?
• split rivet machine deep throat - what?! And WHAT?!!
• arabs get fucked - this'n one all thar dang scariuh fuh thar dang fact thut thar that's not thar dang first time I've seen this.

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Gnnnnngh, Leroy! Hnnnnnnnnnh, Leroy! *snap*
04/03/2003

OK! Alright!! Ah like Kylie Minogue, OK?! Am thut thar wut y'all want me tuh say?! Am it?!! Well??!!!

My cellphone rin', Leroy! n'all "Cana Get Y'all Outta My Head", pardner. ah'm seriously considerin' buyin' Fever, hot damn! ah'm listenin' tuh "Love At First Sight" right fuckin' now.

There -- are y'all happy? Dona judge me -- dona y'all fuckin' judge me!! Ah kin feel thut thar thar -- you're lookin' at me n'all y'alls accusin' eyes 'n indignantly-pinched nostrils, hot damn! Well fuck you! Y'all dona have tuh face New Orduh fans when y'all menshun thar dang "Cana Get Blue Monday Outta My Head" re-mix! Y'all dona have tuh figure out how tuh get y'alls hen tuh buy y'all thar dang "Cana Get Y'all Outta My Head" DVD without actually askin' huh tuh or givin' 'n 'n buyin' thut thar thar yourself, do you? Y'all cousins make me sick...

Here, look at thar dang funny GIF:

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If thar dang In-tuh-net wuz ah man, he'd bay ah bad, BAD man.
24/02/2003

Right, well it bay been ah month or so since Ah put 'n thar dang new smacked counter, hot damn! Let's see wut y'all filthy bastards have been searchin' thar dang In-tuh-net for, thut thar brought y'all tuh maw virtual doorstep.

Oh sweet Jesus.

<has minor embolism>

Right, well that's out uv thar dang way -- how tuh sum this'n all up? Depressingly, thar dang most common search items are Don Hertzfeldt films (buy his'n DVDs y'all wretched, spongin' vermin) 'n videos uv Annabel Chong, Leroy! Thar dang re-mainin' search terms kin probably bay divided into ah few broad categories, startin' obviously with:

People Lookin' fuh Porn

Lotsa cousins searchin' thar dang web fuh porn -- who'da thunk it? Thar dang searches thut thar brought 'em tuh maw site ranged ferm worryingly graphik (gay shit arse pictures, male shit holes, world's biggest pussy -- thank y'all Mr, hot damn! Timberlake) tuh worryingly specifik (nasty heterosexual movies n'all perty good lookin' male 'n female bodies, naked chinese hens naw pop ups, unfeasibly bigass breasts) tuh worryingly graphik 'n specifik (download mojo jojo fuckin' powerpuff, lesbian dwarves shit porn, capoeira gay fuck) tuh just plain worryin' (mexican wrestluh movies rape? clay animashun porn?? meerkat porn???), pardner. And ah'm hella not sure wut tuh make uv thar dang person searchin' fuh oooooh fuck me pussy, hot damn! ah'm hella not.

People Who Frighten Me

See above, plus thar dang following:

• mr mosquito nudity -- what?
• guys gettin' punched 'n thar dang testicles (pictures) -- why?!
• donald sutherland male naked -- WHO??!!
• killuh animashun bunnies evil -- wh- actually, naw that's fair

This category also contains ah sub-secshun Ah like tuh call What Kin Thut thar Possibly Mean?, which includes such gems as:

• teachin' mannuh uv fuck photo
• security proof anime porn
• nope, pardner. yuh dead or at least have had ah severe ass kicking

Answers on thar dang back uv ah postcard to:

Josh Addison
Just follow thar dang screaming
Auckland
New Zealand

People Who Seem To Bay Ah Bit Confused

Some folks just seemed tuh bay ah bit bewildered, re-sultin' 'n one poor soul lookin' fuh jenny ferm thar dang block bar christina aguillera - not quite, mate, pardner. One also wonders wut would have prompted ah person tuh search thar dang In-tuh-net n'all thar dang phrase what does giraffe pussy mean? What indeed? Ah know, but ah'm not telling.

People Searchin' fuh Thin', hot damn! Giraffe-Related

Understandably, ah perty good amount uv cousins showed up lookin' fuh thin', pardner. tuh do n'all giraffes, Leroy! Fair enough (good giraffe, giraffe rhymes, perspective uv thar dang giraffe), hot damn! Although (giraffe ufo, giraffe birthday man, where's thar dang giraffe 'n thar dang box) some cousins (giraffe porn, giraffe pimp, giraffe shit) had me ah bit worried (stupid giraffe fucking, giraffe penis pictures -- giraffe face shots?).

Still, naw amount uv rampant perversion could re-move thar dang pride thut thar comes ferm knowin' thut thar Google considers maw site tuh bay anothuh word fuh giraffe.

People Who Think Just Like Me

Continuin' 'n thar dang theme uv pride, thut thar thar also pleases me naw end tuh discovuh thut thar there are naw shortage uv folks lookin' fuh thar dang lotsa obscure kind uv pop culture re-ference that's close tuh maw heart, pardner. As well as several Evil Dead/Army uv Darkness search terms, Ah (or rather, maw smacked counter) encountered folks lookin' fuh Al Leong, Dolph Lundgren, Rutguh Hauer, Matthias Hues (nevuh did him) as well as ah bunch uv re-ferences tuh films themselves (chaank, naked space chick, graboid, 'n yes -- necron 99), Leroy! Life am good.

People Who Make Me Glad To Bay Alive

Obviously Ah considuh thut thar thar ah perty good thin' thut thar cousins found maw site searchin' fuh naw lotsa than good shit, 'n an even bettuh thin' thut thar fucked up shit strange crap git 'em here as well, hot damn! Ah choose tuh believe it bay ah compliment thut thar freaky-deaky sex land showed up 'n thar dang logs, 'n who wouldna want they's site tuh bay ah source fuh fisticuff techniques?

Still not sure wut tuh make uv thar dang fact thut thar someone git here n'all thar dang almost Zen-like search term uv goat, though.

Take that, George C, pardner. Scott!!
19/02/2003

It has been suggested thut thar thar dang Marquess uv Queensbury wuz ah bit uv ah poof (largely due tuh thar dang fact thut thar bubba wuz called thar dang Marquess uv Queensbury), Leroy! Ah believe this'n tuh bay untrue, howevuh -- only ah hard bastard would come up n'all rules fuh fightin' thut thar prohibit blows tuh thar dang groin, pardner. Oh no, hang on, turns out thar dang "no touchin' thar dang bathin' suit area" rule wuz around even before him, 'n thar dang days uv bareknuckle boxing, hot damn! Hard fellers indeed, so maw point still holds.

Let me explain: thar dang blow tuh thar dang groin am thar dang Great Levelluh -- naw mattuh how bigass 'n how strong, one swift whack 'n thar dang canastas 'n any fella gots ta go down like an altar boy at ah priest convenshun, Leroy! Which means it bay 'n thar dang interests uv ah big, strong felluh tuh have thut thar thar blackballed (pun intended -- oh so intended), since it bay basically thar dang only chance ah lessuh felluh has uv puttin' he all on his'n arse.

Nevuh havin' attended one uv those American high schools we'all always hear about where thar dang "jocks" are constantly beatin' up on thar dang "nerds", Ah kin only hella speak hypothetically here, but ah'm assumin' this'n conspiracy starts perty good 'n early 'n ah young man's development, hot damn! Right ferm thar dang start, thar dang weedy academik types are put 'n kept 'n they's place bar thar dang hulkin' sporty types, against whom them's are helpless tuh fight back, pardner. Only uv course they're not -- one 'n thar dang family jewels would show any one uv these bulgin' misanthropes who wuz thar dang bitch uv whom, hot damn! So tuh covuh they's Achilles Heel (Achilles Groin?), them's perpetuate thar dang "rules" uv fightin', Leroy! Knockin' thar dang shit out uv ah fella half y'alls size am fine, but ah kick 'n thar dang nuts? Oooh -- that's just not on, Leroy! That's against thar dang rules.

Although.., Leroy! y'all know wut this'n re-minds me uv? There wuz this'n old game Ah used tuh have on maw Amiga 500 called Megalomania -- one uv those god-sim games where y'all control ah little tribe uv cousins through thar dang ages, developin' weapons 'n doin' 'n thar dang othuh tribes, pardner. Thut thar thar wuz all perty good fun while y'all wuz controllin' little cavemen throwin' sticks at each other, but bar thar dang time y'all git tuh thar dang latuh levels 'n nuclear weapons came on thar dang menu, thar dang game turned into ah mad dash tuh bay thar dang first tuh build nukes, n'all thar dang winnuh then obliteratin' all opponents 'n ah couple uv seconds, pardner. Which, obviously, wuz fun if y'all wuz doin' it, but thut thar thar made thar dang game less enjoyable overall, Leroy! Ironically, thar dang most technologically advanced weapon uv war wuz thar dang one thut thar caused y'all tuh re-sort tuh thar dang most direct, brutish tactics, Leroy! Sigh.

Relevance: thar dang blow tuh thar dang groin am basically thar dang A-bomb uv thar dang mano-a-mano milleu -- over-proliferashun uv thut thar thar would make any altercashun into ah simple race tuh see who could connect toe n'all teste first, pardner. Which would take.., pardner. all uv the.., hot damn! fun? strategy? skill? out uv willfully.., hot damn! injuring.., hot damn! another.., hot damn! human being.., pardner. nope, ignore thut thar last bit.

Ah wuz talkin' bollocks.

"We'all goin' out on thut thar one?" "Looks like it..."

My T-shirt sez "kung fu monkey".
15/02/2003

"Britney Spears makes fellers feel baaaaad -- 'hit me baby one lotsa time?' No!! If them's find out about thar dang first time I'll lose maw job..."

Thar dang "virgin-whore" dichotomy am ah concept that's fairly widely used today -- widely enough thut thar Ah kaina actually find an origin fuh thar dang term, Leroy! As ah concept it bay used tuh discuss thar dang damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-dona situashun thut thar hens still find themselves 'n today's society -- if you're not ah naive, inexperienced virgin, you're ah filthy slapper, Leroy! It bay also used 'n re-ference tuh thar dang idea thut thar mean (well, some men) want they's hens tuh bay pristine 'n untouched 'n yet at thar dang same time knowledgeable, experienced 'n enthusiastik 'n thar dang bedroom department, hot damn! Such observashuns inevitably brin' up thar dang topik uv Britney Spears 'n huh ilk, hot damn! No, re-ally.

Them's all play up tuh this'n dichotomy (hence they's popularity, Ah guess); none lotsa so than Ms, pardner. Spears herself -- "I'm Not ah Girl, ah'm Not Yet ah Woman"?! Ferfucksake, hot damn! Anyway, thar dang thin' is, as ah marketin' ploy, thut thar thar kin only end 'n tears, hot damn! These wee pop tartlets end up eithuh disappearin' back into thar dang obscurity ferm which them's wuz plucked bar re-cord company execs (whence Mandy Moore? Jessica Simpson, anyone?), or them's get tuh thar dang point when them's kin naw longuh credibly hold on tuh thar dang virgin bit, 'n all they're left n'all is.., pardner. Christina Aguillera, hot damn! Thar hen wuz thar dang first tuh fully go Thar dang Way uv thar dang Skank, but it bay on thar dang cards fuh thar dang re-st uv them, unless them's kin successfully re-invent themselves as grownups.

But enough post-feminist discourse, pardner. This'n post am obviously little lotsa than an attempt tuh boost maw site's smacked count bar name-droppin' some uv thar dang lotsa common paedophile bait out there -- let's see if thut thar thar works...

Did bubba just say "blindness"? Yeah -- bubba also said "if'n".
08/02/2003

Y'all know thut thar cellphone rin' thut thar goes "danala-na danala-na danala-na naaa"? Thar dang one thut thar almost certainly qualifies fuh Most Annoyin' Cellphone Rin' 'n thar dang World, Ever? Turns out that's thar dang "Nokia Tune" -- thar dang signature Nokia rin' tone, sort uv like thut thar default Windows startup ditty, or thut thar little chord thut thar Apple Macs used tuh make when them's started, Leroy! (Do them's still do that? Thar dang last time Ah saw an iMac, Ah wuz 'n all busy masturbatin' ovuh thar dang ridiculously pretty if not entirely funcshunal GUAh tuh bay able tuh process sounds.) Thar dang fact thut thar Nokia are re-sponsible fuh thar dang single most insidious 'n piercin' item uv noise pollushun 'n thar dang world today am almost enough tuh destroy maw brand loyalty n'all them, pardner. Almost, but not quite (Ah discovered thar dang name uv thut thar tune when Ah saw thut thar thar on thar dang list uv ringtones on maw brand new Nokia 3510).

Thar dang last few messages thut thar Warren Ellis has sent out on his'n Bad Signal mailin' list have talked about brandin' ah bit - bubba seems tuh bay 'n an anti-brandin' phase at thar dang moment, cuttin' thar dang logos uvf every artifact 'n item uv clothin' 'n his'n possession 'n what, hot damn! I've nothin' against brands -- if ah'm not just plain ignorin' 'em (as ah'm most uv thar dang time), ah'm genuinely usin' 'em tuh inform maw purchasing.

Now, anyone n'all even vague pretensions toward alternativeness (alternativity?) am obliged tuh ignore clothin' labels, 'n fair enough -- Ah wear clothes Ah like thar dang look 'n feel uv, Leroy! And cars (or at least, thar dang sorts uv cars thut thar ah'm evuh likely tuh possess) are all thar dang same tuh me, pardner. Ah had tuh train myself tuh say "I-drive-a-nineteen-ninety-three-Nissan-Sentra" instead uv "Ah have ah re-d car".

Electronik goods are where brands mattuh tuh me, hot damn! Ah like Nokia cellphones, Sony audio gear (and gamin' consoles) 'n Compaq computers (see previous rant fuh why Ah buy computers out uv thar dang box ferm chain stores), Leroy! Ah figure these thin', hot damn! are kinda delicate 'n precise 'n maybe thut thar thar doesna pay tuh take chances, so Ah go bar brands, Leroy! It bay about security; it bay about trust; it bay about not havin' tuh engage 'n all many highuh brain funcshuns while partin' n'all ah shitload uv money fuh somethin' smalluh than maw hairbrush.

It bay basically about habit, pardner. ah'm actually 'n an uncharacteristik period uv experimentashun right now, Leroy! Buyin' new phones, ah bigass new monitor fuh maw PC; Ah just switched ferm In-tuh-net Exploruh tuh Opera (love those mouse gestures), pardner. 'n most cases, change am right uvf thar dang menu, 'n thar dang brand Ah like am simply thar dang first one Ah tried, 'n when thut thar worked out OK Ah stuck n'all it, rathuh than risk tryin' somethin' new 'n havin' thut thar thar turn out tuh bay worse, hot damn! Am thut thar ah metaphor fuh somethin', pardner. Probably, but fuck uvf.

Like Lord uv thar dang Dance, only n'all flies.
02/02/2003

Somethin' strange am happenin', hot damn! It bay summer, so thar dang house am full uv flies -- nothin' strange there, hot damn! Yet, pardner. Thin' is, whenevuh Ah notice there's ah whole shitload uv 'em around Ah get up, go get thar dang flyspray, turn around -- 'n they're gone, Leroy! Not ah fly tuh bay seen.

It bay an unsettlin' experience -- sort uv like thar dang first time y'all catch yourself 'n thar dang mirror usin' an electrik toothbrush, pardner. 'n thut thar particular case, thar dang re-alizashun thut thar you're fellatin' ah vibratin' piece uv plastikam fairly quickly sidelined bar thar dang re-alizashun thut thar y'all kin make bitchin' sounds bar openin' 'n closin' y'alls mouth while you're usin' it, but n'all thar dang flies.., pardner. Thar dang obvious 'n only conclusion tuh bay drawn am thut thar they know.

Like those sharks on Deep Blue Sea thut thar could re-cognize weapons 'n ended up eatin' Saffron Burrows -- thut thar gots tuh not happen here! This'n house gots tuh always bay safe fuh Saffron Burrows.

Havin' thought about it, Ah re-alize thut thar this'n situashun am not without its advantages, Leroy! Dealin' n'all super-intelligent flies as Ah undoubtedly am uvfers new possibilities uv mental warfare, where previously only thar dang usual physical 'n chemical varieties wuz available, pardner. 'n thut thar spirit, Ah gots ta bay kickin' thin', pardner. uv n'all ah propaganda leaflet drop 'n thar dang kitchen, followed bar food parcels 'n thar dang bathroom, 'n an attempt tuh cause thar dang flies tuh re-bel against they's leaders 'n surrenduh they's forces tuh me, hot damn! At this'n point Ah gots ta bay commander-in-chief uv maw own fly army -- ah "Lord uv thar dang Flies", if y'all gots ta -- 'n will, Ah dona know, take ovuh thar dang world or something.

'n thar dang unlikely event thut thar that fails I'll just buy ah shiny bigass fly swattuh 'n take tuh stalkin' thar dang flat dispensin' bloody death tuh anythin' thut thar am A) six-legged 'n B) in maw fuckin' airspace.

'n fact, fuck it, thut thar sounds like lotsa fun -- I'll just do that.

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