FADE IN
WARNER BROS, fook me! LOGO
LOGO FADES OUT
Music: Johnny Wright's " Oi! Mush! Vietnam"
TITLE: "A STANLEY KUBRICK FILM"
CUT TO:
TITLE: "FULL METAL JACKET"
CUT TO:
INT, fook me! BARBERSHOP - PARRIS ISLAND MARINE BASE - DAY
Marine recruits havin' theys fookin' heads shaved wiv electric clippers, naw shittin' ya! Der fookin' hair piles up on der floor.
INT, right, mate? BARRACKS - DAY
Marine recruits stand at attention in front o' theys fookin' bunks.
Master Gunnery Sergeant HARTMAN walks along der line o' blank-faced recruits.
HARTMAN
Oi am fookin' Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, y' fookin' Senior Drill Instructor, naw shittin' ya! From now on, yer bastard well gonna speak only when spoken to, 'n der first 'n last words out o' y' fookin' filthy sewers gonna be "Sir"!, right, mate? Do yer bastard well maggots understand that?
RECRUITS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Oi can' fookin' hear you, fook me! Sound off like yer bastard well got a fookin' pair.
RECRUITS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
If yer bastard well ladies leave moi island, if yer bastard well survive recruit training.., right, mate? yer bastard well gonna be a fookin' weapon, yer bastard well gonna be a fookin' minister o' death, prayin' fer war, right, mate? But until tha' day yer bastard well der fook is pukes! You're der lowest form o' life on Earth, right, mate? Yer bastard well der fook is not even human fuckin' beings! Yer bastard well der fook is nothin' but unorganized grabasstic pieces o' amphibian shit! Because Oi am fookin' hard, yer bastard well gonna not like me, right, mate? But der fookin' yer bastard well hate me, der fookin' yer bastard well gonna learn, naw shittin' ya! Oi am fookin' hard, but Oi am fookin' fair! There der fook is naw fookin' racial bigotry here! Oi do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers, right, mate? Here yer bastard well der fook is all equally worthless! And moi orders der fook is to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack der gear to serve in moi beloved Corps! Do yer bastard well maggots understand that?
RECRUITS
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Oi can' fookin' hear you!
RECRUITS
(louder)
Sir, yes, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN stops in front o' a fookin' black recruit, Private SNOWBALL.
HARTMAN
What's y' fookin' name, scumbag?
SNOWBALL
(shouting)
Sir, Private Brown, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! From now on you're Private Snowball! Do yer bastard well like tha' name?
SNOWBALL
(shouting)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well, there's 'un thin' tha' yer bastard well won't like, Private Snowball! They don't serve fried chicken 'n watermelon on a fookin' daily basis in moi mess hall!
SNOWBALL
Sir, yes, sir!
JOKER
(whispering)
Der fook der fook is tha' you, John Wayne? Der fook der fook is dis me?
HARTMAN
Who said that? Who der fuck said that? Who's der slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed 'is own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! Der fookin' fairy fuckin' godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing! Oi gonna P.T, right, mate? yer bastard well all until yer bastard well fuckin' die! I'll P.T, naw shittin' ya! yer bastard well until y' fookin' assholes der fook is suckin' buttermilk.
Sergeant HARTMAN grabs COWBOY by der shirt.
HARTMAN
Was the fook it you, yer bastard well scroungy little fuck, huh?!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Yer bastard well little piece o' shit! Yer bastard well look like a fookin' fuckin' worm! I'll bet the fook it wuz you!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
JOKER
Sir, Oi said it, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN steps up to JOKER.
HARTMAN
Well .., right, mate? naw fookin' shit, naw shittin' ya! Wot have we got here, a fookin' fuckin' comedian? Private Joker? Oi admire y' fookin' honesty, fook me! Hell, Oi like you, fook me! Yer bastard well can cum over to moi house 'n fuck moi sister.
Sergeant HARTMAN punches JOKER in der stomach.
JOKER sags to 'is knees.
HARTMAN
Yer bastard well little scumbag! I've got y' fookin' name! I've got y' fookin' ass! Yer bastard well gonna not laugh! Yer bastard well gonna not cry! Yer bastard well gonna learn by der numbers, fook me! Oi gonna teach you, right, mate? Now get up! Get on y' fookin' feet! Yer bastard well had best unfuck yourself or Oi gonna unscrew y' fookin' head 'n shit down y' fookin' neck!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Private Joker, why did yer bastard well join moi beloved Corps?
JOKER
Sir, to kill, sir!
HARTMAN
So you're a fookin' killer!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Let me see y' fookin' war face!
JOKER
Sir?
HARTMAN
You've got a fookin' war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a fookin' war face, right, mate? Now let me see y' fookin' war face!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaagh!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Yer bastard well didn't convince me! Let me see y' fookin' real war face!
JOKER
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
HARTMAN
Yer bastard well didn't scare me! Work on it!
JOKER
Sir, yes, sir!
Sergeant HARTMAN speaks into Cowboy's face.
HARTMAN
What's y' fookin' excuse?
COWBOY
Sir, excuse fer what, sir?
HARTMAN
I'm askin' der fuckin' questions here, Private, fook me! Do yer bastard well understand?!
COWBOY
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well thank yer bastard well way much! Can Oi be in charge fer a fookin' while?
COWBOY
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Are yer bastard well shook up? Are yer bastard well nervous?
COWBOY
Sir, Oi am, sir!
HARTMAN
Do Oi make yer bastard well nervous?
COWBOY
Sir!
HARTMAN
Sir, what? Were yer bastard well about to call me an asshole?!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
'Ow tall der fook is you, Private?
COWBOY
Sir, five foot nine, sir!
HARTMAN
Five foot nine? Oi didn't know they stacked shit tha' high! Yer bastard well tryin' to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir.
HARTMAN
Bullshit! It fookin' looks to me like der best part o' yer bastard well ran down der crack o' y' fookin' mama's ass 'n ended up as a fookin' brown stain on der mattress! Oi think you've bin cheated!
HARTMAN
Where in hell der fook is yer bastard well from anyway, Private?
COWBOY
Sir, Texas, sir!
HARTMAN
Holy dogshit! Texas! Only steers 'n queers cum from Texas, Private Cowboy! And yer bastard well don't look much like a fookin' steer to me, so tha' kinda narrows the fook it down! Do yer bastard well suck dicks!
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Are yer bastard well a fookin' peter-puffer?
COWBOY
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
I'll bet you're der kind o' bloke tha' would fuck a fookin' person in der ass 'n not even have der goddam common courtesy to give 'im a fookin' reach-around! I'll be watchin' you!
Sergeant HARTMAN walks down der line to another recruit, a fookin' tall, overtweight boy.
HARTMAN
Did y' fookin' parents have any children tha' lived?
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly yer bastard well could be a fookin' modern art masterpiece! What's y' fookin' name, fatbody?
PYLE
Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!
HARTMAN
Lawrence? Lawrence, what, o' Arabia?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
tha' name sounds like royalty! Are yer bastard well royalty?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Do yer bastard well suck dicks?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! I'll bet yer bastard well could suck a fookin' golf ball through a fookin' garden hose!
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Oi don't like der name Lawrence! Only faggots 'n sailors der fook is called Lawrence! From now on you're Gomer Pyle!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
PYLE has der trace o' a fookin' strange smile on 'is face.
HARTMAN
Do yer bastard well think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do yer bastard well think I'm funny?
PYLE
Sir, no, sir!
HARTMAN
Then wipe tha' disgustin' grin off y' fookin' face!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Well, any fuckin' time, sweetheart!
PYLE
Sir, I'm trying, sir.
HARTMAN
Private Pyle, I'm gonna give yer bastard well three seconds - exactly three fuckin' seconds - to wipe tha' stupid-lookin' grin off y' fookin' face, or Oi gonna gouge out y' fookin' eyeballs 'n skull-fuck you! One! Two! Three!
PYLE purses 'is lips but continues to smile involuntarily.
PYLE
Sir, Oi can' fookin' help it, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Get on y' fookin' knees, scumbag!
PYLE gets down on 'is Knees.
HARTMAN
Now choke yourself!
PYLE places 'is hands around 'is throat as if to choke himself.
HARTMAN
Goddamn it, wiv moi hand, numbnuts!!
PYLE reaches fer HARTMAN's hand, naw shittin' ya! HARTMAN jerks the fook it away.
HARTMAN
Don't pull moi fuckin' hand over there! Oi said choke yourself! Now lean forward 'n choke yourself!
PYLE leans forward so tha' 'is neck rests in HARTMAN's open hand.
HARTMAN chokes PYLE.
PYLE gags 'n starts to turn red in der face.
HARTMAN
Are yer bastard well through grinning?
PYLE
(barely able to speak)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Oi can' fookin' hear you!
PYLE
(gasping)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
Bullshit! Oi still can' fookin' hear you! Sound off like yer bastard well got a fookin' pair!
PYLE
(gagging)
Sir, yes, sir!
HARTMAN
That's enough! Get on y' fookin' feet!
HARTMAN releases PYLE's throat, naw shittin' ya! PYLE gets to 'is feet, breathin' heavily.
HARTMAN
Private Pyle, yer bastard well had best square y' fookin' ass away 'n start shittin' me Tiffany cufflinks .., fook me! or Oi gonna definitely fuck yer bastard well up!
PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!