treppenwitz

Instant proof.., know what I'm sayin'? naw waiting!

Usually when commenters 'n Ah disagree over matters of opinion (e.g, know what I'm sayin'? over how da Israeli or international public might react unda some set of hypothetical circumstances), we be left to agree to disagree. 

Afta all, opinion be just that, 'n arguments surroundin' hypothetical scenarios be maddeningly difficult to prove or disprove.

So when several of da commenters on yesterday's post hypothesized about what da public reaction might has been if da terror victims had been from an Israeli community inside da green line, we all knew dat da discussion would likely remain purely academic.

However, da Palis be nothin' if not helpful.  Just a day afta da original terror attack, our 'partners in peace' wuz nice enough to move da discussion out of da hypothetical realm 'n into dat of reality.

Yesterday a ride carryin' a husband 'n wife - Jewish residents of a Jordan Valley community insidethe green line - came unda fire from a passin' car between Rimonim 'n Kochav HaShachar in da Binyamin region (located outsidethe green line). 

Da husband (who wuz driving) wuz wounded by da gunfire 'n lost control of da car.  Tha dude's wife wuz injured in da subsequent roll-over/crash caused by attack.

As if made to orda as a test case to advance our little academic discussion, we now has a real-life case of ride travellin' outside da green line (i.e, know what I'm sayin'? where dat shit had naw business being, accordin' to some opinions), but da injured parties be residents of a community inside (i.e, know what I'm sayin'? on da 'good/kosher' side of) da green line.

So far Ah can't see any real difference in da reaction from da Israeli left or from media outlets abroad (effectively disprovin' ma hypothesis dat attackin' settlers wuz da best formula fo avoidin' widespread condemnation).  Da reaction seems to be almost universal ennui.

Of course dat shit may be dat da location of da attack (outside da green line in 'occupied territory'.., know what I'm sayin'? boo hiss!) be da key to stayin' unda da world's revulsion threshold (which actually supports at least part of ma thesis) ratha than where da victims be from.

Isn't dat shit nice dat we live in such accommodatin' times dat we seldom has long to wait fo our theories to be tested in real life (or death)?

/sarcasm

This may sound cynical, but...

Obviously Ah be upset about yesterday's terror attack.  But I'm havin' trouble puttin' ma finga on what be troublin' me most.

There's da senseless loss of life.  Four innocent people's lives wuz snuffed out as casually as you or Ah might swat a few flies.  If not fo da happy accident dat Ah left a bit early from work yesterday to be able to brin' Yonah tha dude's new school knapsack (he starts 1st grade today) before tha dude went to bed, Ah could easily has been arrivin' at da site of da attack just as da bullets began to fly.

Then there's da lack of outrage from abroad.  Ah know it's silly.  Ah mad shouldn't care what da rest of da world has to say.  But talkin' heads 'n government spokespeople who ran out of synonyms fo 'massacre' when protestin' Israel's handlin' of da well planned flotilla ambush, has suddenly fallen silent.., man. or worse, be offerin' faint protest of da "we condemn all acts of violence 'n aggression'"sort dat slyly draws moral equivalency between deliberate terror against civilians 'n Israel's often feckless attempts to defend herself.

But strange as dat shit may sound, what seems to be troublin' me most right now be dat da Palis seem to has figured out dat if they simply confine they terror activities to 'settlers', they can neatly divide da Israeli public's sympathies along political lines, 'n give da far left 'n da rest of da world da term 'occupation' wid which to qualify they luke-warm condemnations, man.

As if to prove ma point, Da New York Times helpfully explains to its readers today dat the victims of yesterday's attack wuz not people.., man. not mothers, fathers.., know what I'm sayin'? husbands or wives.  They were settlers..., man. attacked near they settlement in da 'west bank'.   

By comparison, those who carried out da attack wuz described in a somewhat 'mo established form as belongin' to 'an Islamic group' (not, G-d forbid, a terror organization).  Da article then takes a hard turn (borderin' on non sequitur) to point out da real villains fo anyone who might still be on da fence:

"Even before da attack, settlements wuz loomin' as a potential deal-breaka in da peace process, know what I'm sayin'? Mr n' shit. Netanyahu has steadfastly refused to commit to extendin' a partial moratorium on construction in da West Bank, which expires Sept, man. 26, while Mr, know what I'm sayin'? Abbas has said dat shit gots to be very hard to keep talkin' if construction resumes."

If we're mad such monsters (or insignificant insects) dat da world can do naw betta than to passively blame us fo bringin' about our own demise, perhaps we has nothin' to lose (and plenty to gain) by simply ignorin' 'em 'n doin' only what's best fo us (for a change).

Four Israelis murdered by terrorists

Seriously.., know what I'm sayin'? Are we mad supposed to make peace wid these people?!

Ah rode ma scoota past da site where da attack took place about an hour before dat shit occurred n' shit. These four blameless muthas wuz guilty of nothin' 'mo than 'drivin' while jewish'.., man. a crime Ah commit daily.

Da Pali huggers gots to be comin' out of da woodwork to explain how dis be all because of 'the occupation', know what I'm sayin'? But they gots to all somehow forget how much they detest 'collective punishment' now dat that shit be random Jews bein' killed instead of Arabs.

Ah say we give Abbas' security forces 48 hours to find da terrorists 'n turn 'em over, know what I'm sayin'? Afta dat we knock down every home in da village closest to da site of da attack.

Let's play by they rules fo a change.

Da Great Time-suck

Yes, da new iPad be a wonderful tool fo keepin' up wid email, news, blogs, etc..  And dat shit also be a fantastic way to read books, havin' access to not only Apple's own iBook inventory, but also to dat of Amazon's Kindle.  So, naturally Ah has a few books all loaded up, ready to be read when Ah has some free time.

But 'free time' be becomin' a scarce commodity around chez treppenwitz because of da new time-suck app installed on da svelte device; Netflix. 

If yo' ass sign up fo Netflix (the first month be free!) yo' ass has access to an incredible collection of movies 'n TV shows on a monthly 'all yo' ass can eat' basis.. n' shit. many of which can be streamed directly to yo' iPad.  If, like me, yo' ass live outside da US, da DVD deliveries be of naw use, so da streamin' selections be da only ones of interest.

[Tech Note:  To stream American TV shows 'n movies to a computa or iPad outside da US, yo' ass gots to needs to make da source think yo' ass be actually inthe US.  Dis be not difficult.  Google da term 'VPN'.  Da makers of da iPad gots to has anticipated Americans roamin' da globe, jonesin' fo they fix of US TV 'n film, since VPN be one of da first things listed in the settings panel.   Anyone who needs help wid dis can send me an email.]

Last night durin' dinna Ah watched an episode of The Dick Van Dyck Show.. n' shit. 'n afta dinna Ah put a few dozen otha shows 'n movies into ma 'instant watch' que so dat they are, quite literally, a click away wheneva Ah want to see them. 

Sleep?  Ah can sleep when I'm dead.

Svelte

adjective

definition:  attractively thin; gracefully slender.

Although I've always thought da word sounded vaguely Scandinavian, it be actually borrowed from da French 'svelte', and directly related to da Italian 'svelto', both of which mean roughly “stretched out”.  

Apropos since Ah be currently stretched out on da couch, writin' dis post on ma new toy which be indeed svelte; my new iPad.

Ah know, Ah know.., know what I'm sayin'? Ah said Ah wuz plannin' to wait until da second generation iPad (with a camera) came out.  But two things conspired to send me home from da US with this new toy tucked into ma carry-on:

1, man.  I'm not so phat wid da whole 'delayed gratification' thing.  Granted, Ah wuz doin' pretty well wid this.  We paid two visits to da Apple store on Broadway in Manhattan.., man. 'n Zahava can testify dat tha byatch wuz able to drag me from da store empty-handed (albeit sobbing) on both occasions.

2.  My parents has been wantin' to get an iPad fo themselves so ma mom can do ha daily reads (Times op-eds, news, magazines, blogs, etc.) without havin' to sit down at da dreaded computer.  Da idea of bein' able to consume ha media fix from da couch or a comfy chair without wires, mouse or otha distractions wuz incredibly appealin' to her. 

Tha byatch had axed me to check out da iPad fo ha when Ah wuz at da Apple store, 'n if Ah thought dat shit wuz a phat fit fo her, Ah would take ha to da Apple store in Stamford to buy one.  What Ah didn't know be dat once they saw how much Ah wuz jonesin' fo an iPad, they decided to surprise me at da Stamford store by buyin' two 'n handin' one to me.

As da sayin' goes, resistance be futile. 

I can't remember why I ever used a computer, and have been happily reading and writing email and blog posts, reading the news, following my daily comics, reading books, listening to my iTunes collection and even watching TV shows and Movies; all on something smaller than an issue of InStyle or Cosmo.

Is it a computer?  No.  But it can do almost everything a computer can do...all while being described as 'svelte'.  On the rare occasion that I need a full blown computer, I'll book some time on one of the Macs belonging to Zahava or the kids. Lord knows they will all owe me some reciprocity for all the iPad time they are logging.

I am a happy camper.

Bedbugs

It seems like nearly every day durin' da time we spent in da U.S n' shit. there wuz some kind of prominent news coverage of da latest scourge; bedbugs. 

Apparently, these little parasites, which wuz largely wiped out in da developed world by heavy use of DDT in da 40s 'n 50s, has bounced back wid a vengeance.. n' shit. 'n be now largely resistant to just about everythin' science be throwin' at them.

In one particularly horrifyin' New York Times article, various stories wuz shared about piano teachers losin' work because muthas feared they might be transportin' bedbugs from house to house, apartments became unsellable because of da unwanted residents, muthas wuz shunned by friends 'n family because they'd had an infestation, 'n even a phat midtown Manhattan movie theata wuz forced to close (at least temporarily) because its seats wuz found to be literally crawlin' wid da little monsters!

Each time Ah read a piece about bedbugs turnin' up in some new locale, my body would start to itch in what I'm sure (Ah hope!) wuz a psychosomatic reaction, man.

All Ah could think about wuz how dis be goin' to affect da Jewish community where dat shit be extremely common to open one's home to even relative strangers. 

Has anyone else been thinkin' about this?

Overheard

Da Scene:

We spent dis past Shabbat in Teaneck wid our friends Shmiel 'n V.V..  In addtition to havin' an absolutely wonderful time wid them, our friends Jordan 'n Marjorie wuz nice enough to invite us ova to they home fo da third meal on Shabbat afternoon.

Afta Shabbat, ma homie Jordan offered ma family a ride back to Shmiel 'n V.V.'s. 

While we drove, a recordin' of Lotte Lenya singin' [ha husband] Kurt Weill's 'Mack da Knife' in da original German, came on da radio.

For those of yo' ass who may be 'mo familiar wid 'modern' swin' versions of Mack da Knife in English (think Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, etc.), here's what we wuz listenin' to in Jordan's car:

Da Line:

Afta listenin' to Lotte Lenya singin' fo a few minutes, my 14 year old son Gilad remarked, "Hey, tha byatch sounds just like Lily Von Schtupp!"

Now, if yo' ass haven't seen Blazin' Saddles (what rock has yo' ass been livin' under?!), this should give yo' ass some idea of just how serious an indictment of our parentin' dat shit be dat our 14 year old son knows enough about Lily Von Schtupp to make such an observation.

A special place in hell...

.. n' shit. should be reserved fo da kind of muthas Ah be about to describe.

But first da [relatively] phat news:

Our flight left New York at 5:50PM on Sunday afternoon.  Or, 'mo correctly, dat shit pushed back from da gate at dat time.   But due to heavy rain 'n lightning, our flight, 'n every otha flight waitin' to depart JFK, wuz held on da ground pendin' a break in da weather.

Finally, afta 'mo than five hours of wating for da rain to let up, we wuz told to buckle up.., man. 'n so a few minutes afta 11:00PM we wuz finally airborne. 

However, our plan had been fo da overnight flight to put us into Vienna first thin' in da morning.., know what I'm sayin'? allowin' us a full day of tourin' before our evenin' flight.  Da pilots wuz able to make up about an hour ova da Atlantic, but by da time we'd landed we'd still lost four hours of our stop-ova in Vienna.

Once we'd deplaned, we took da 16 minute train ride into da centa of Vienna 'n spent an enjoyable half day visitin' da historic district in da centa of da city.  We had wanted to visit da synagogue at da Judengasse (Jew's alley), but when we arrived we wuz told that it wuz only open to organized tours.  Instead we had a quick lunch at da nearby kosha bagel joint (good food, but pricey).

A couple of hours before our flight we took da return train to da airport. 

Our Tel Aviv-bound flight left on time.., man. but Ah would gladly has traded anotha extended delay fo what happened next.

Da plane we wuz on wuz clean 'n new, but like all airlines, da seats (at least in cattle class) wuz very close to one another.  I'm almost 6' 2", so dis means dat ma knees be jammed against da seat in front of me.  Da only small relief Ah can look forward to is that afta take-off 'n between meals, Ah can recline da seat-back da few meaga inches dat shit can travel.

So afta we'd taken off, Ah waited patiently fo da drink 'n meal service to be concluded.  Once da trays 'n otha trash had been collected, Ah breathed a sigh of relief 'n finally reclined ma seat.

However, almost instantly two kids sittin' behind me started shoutin' loudly (in Hebrew) dat ma seat-back wuz botherin' them.  When Ah axed what da problem was, they told me dat they wuz watchin' a movie on a laptop computa 'n dat they couldn't put da screen at da propa viewin' angle if Ah reclined ma seat.

As a gesture of phat gots to Ah tried to give 'em an inch or two.  But they responded by usin' they feet to push ma seat violently into da full upright position.

Dat wuz dat shit fo me.  Ah explained dat if Ah had to choose between ma comfort 'n they ability to watch a movie, it wuz a no-brainer.., man. they movie wuz goin' to has to wait 'til they gots home.  Ah reclined ma seat again.

Apparently, these two kids (one a teenaga 'n da otha a pre-teen) weren't used to hearin' 'no' fo an answer, 'n they continued to complain loudly 'n kick ma seat-back in an attempt to force dat shit back to da full upright position.

Ah tried to ignore 'em fo a few minutes, but when dat shit became clear dat they weren't goin' to stop da abuse, Ah stood up, turned around 'n yelled at 'em to stop kickin' ma chair.  Ah told 'em dat if they didn't stop Ah would report 'em to da flight attendants.

Things quieted down fo a few moments.  But not because da kids had gotten da message.  One or both of 'em had apparently gone to tell they parents dat da mean muthafucka in front of 'em had yelled at 'em 'n wuz usin' tha dude's seat to keep 'em from watchin' they movie.

Within a few minutes ma seat back began to be kicked again, but dis time 'mo violently. 

When Ah turned around to yell again, Ah saw dat now they motha wuz sittin' behind me, 'n tha byatch wuz usin' both ha hands 'n feet to try to push ma seat into da upright position.  When Ah told ha to stop, tha byatch petulantly explained dat Ah had been axed to straighten ma seat, 'n dat Ah wuz required to comply wid da request.  Since Ah had refused, tha byatch wuz doin' dat shit fo me.

Ah pushed da button 'n forced da seat back again.  Tha byatch continued to pummel ma seat, but afta a few minutes dat shit seemed she'd lost interest.

Naw such luck.  Without warnin' ma seat wuz pushed fully upright wid such force dat Ah nearly pimpslapped ma head on da seat-back in front of me.  Ah turned around to yell at da woman, but now saw dat she'd moved ova one seat 'n ha husband had taken da seat behind me. 

Ah axed tha dude's ass what da hell wuz wrong wid him.  Tha dude replied as tha dude's wife had.., man. dat Ah had been requested to straighten ma seat, 'n dat since I'd refused, he'd done dat shit fo me.

This wuz 'n all much.  Ah sat back down.., know what I'm sayin'? pushed ma seat all da way back, 'n at da same time pushed da flight attendant call button.  Dat shit wuz a full flight, so dat shit took da flight attendant several minutes to arrive.  But in da interim, da idiot behind me continued to pummel ma seat wid tha dude's hands 'n feet.., know what I'm sayin'? all da time makin' derogatory comments about 'religious people' (Ah wuz wearin' ma kippah).

When da flight attendant finally arrived tha byatch explained to da neanderthal dat everyone wuz permitted to recline they seats 'n dat tha dude had to stop pushin' ma seat.  But as soon as tha byatch left da abuse continued.

So Ah pushed da call button again.  When da flight attendant returned, Ah explained dat Ah wuz bein' assaulted 'n dat Ah wanted ha to take action.  Tha byatch promised to send ha crew chief.

In da interim, da husband 'n wife began assurin' me 'n Zahava (who wuz sittin' across da aisle from me) dat they wuz goin' to has me arrested fo threatenin' they children when we landed in Israel.  They promised us dat ours would be a very sad vacation (they assumed we wuz tourists).  When Zahava sweetly explained dat we lived in Israel, da husband said, "what a shame".

We exchanged a few 'mo 'pleasantries', 'n tha dude continued to kick 'n jostle ma seat-back.., know what I'm sayin'? all da while tellin' me dat Ah wuz required to come wid tha dude's ass to da police station at da airport, 'n dat if Ah refused to give tha dude's ass ma passport 'n ID numba Ah wuz committin' yet anotha crime.

Ah told tha dude's ass to do whateva tha dude wanted, but Ah wuz certainly not goin' anywhere wid tha dude's ass when we landed or givin' tha dude's ass anything.

Within a few minutes da flight crew chief arrived 'n axed me ma name.. n' shit. checked dat shit against da flight manifest, 'n then axed da muthafucka behind me tha dude's name.. n' shit. 'n checked dat shit against da manifest.  Tha dude then listened patiently while da moron 'n tha dude's wife ranted on about how Ah had been axed to move ma seat 'n dat Ah wuz required to comply.  Tha dude then said da following:

"Ah be responsible fo da safety 'n comfort of ova two hundred passengers on dis flight.  Ah do not has time to play kindergarten teacher.  Every seat on dis plane be capable of reclinin' 'n everyone who wants to be allowed to use dis function.  Dis man's seat reclines 'n so does yours.  Yo' ass be not allowed to move tha dude's seat 'n Ah gots to insist dat yo' ass stop doin' so immediately."

As if they hadn't heard, da two of 'em continued to loudly argue dat they had axed me to move ma seat 'n dat since they'd asked, Ah wuz required to comply.  Each time they said dis da crew-chief corrected 'em 'n patiently explained dat they wuz mistaken.  Except fo durin' take-off, landin' 'n meal service, everyone wuz allowed to recline they seats.

Afta da third time da crew chief had patiently told 'em they wuz in da wrong, they loudly asked, "Are yo' ass tellin' us we has naw place to make a complaint?"  Da crew chief answered, "That's correct.. n' shit. yo' ass has naw place to make a complaint".

Ah thought dat would be da end of it, but then da cretin began askin' da crew chief if tha dude could put tha dude's feet against da back of ma chair.  Da crew chief said dat tha dude could, but dat tha dude couldn't use 'em to move ma seat.  Tha dude then axed "what if Ah needs to move around or adjust ma position.. n' shit. can Ah do that?".  Again, da crew chief answered in da affirmative, but stressed dat tha dude couldn't intentionally jostle ma seat.

Afta da crew chief left, da misanthrope spent about 15 minutes diggin' tha dude's feet 'n knees into da back of ma chair 'n playin' at readjustin' tha dude's position.  Dat shit wuz only afta Zahava took out a camera 'n aimed dat shit at tha dude's ass dat tha dude stopped. 

But tha dude wasn't done yet.  Tha dude began loudly tellin' us dat that shit wuz illegal to photograph someone without they consent, 'n dat dis wuz yet anotha thin' we'd be charged wid when we landed.  Not knowin' da law, Ah whispered to Zahava not to take any pictures/movies.., man. but to be prepared to in case things gots worse.

Throughout da rest of da flight da miscreant continued to grind tha dude's knees into ma lowa back 'n 'accidentally' jostle ma seat.  But Ah didn't respond except to return ma seat to da recline position wheneva tha dude pushed dat shit forward wid tha dude's 'position readjustments'.

When we finally landed Ah gots our things out of da overhead compartments 'n ushered ma family to da front of da plane.  As we passed da flight crew, several of 'em gave me sympathetic smiles 'n head tilts, but dat wuz not much consolation.  Da crew chief wuz standin' near da door 'n tha dude apologized fo ma discomfort 'n wished me goodbye wid a sympathetic head-tilt.

As we stepped off da plane Ah saw a phat group of security personnel standin' in da jet-way just outside da door, but didn't think much of it. 

On da way to passport control, several Israelis approached me 'n offered what wuz intended to be comfortin' statements rangin' from " Yo' ass wuz in da right", to " Yo' ass should has beaten tha dude's ass 'n tha dude's wife unconscious". 

Sadly, these comments offered little comfort.  Where wuz these muthas durin' da flight?  If they had shouted at da idiots behind me 'n told 'em dat they behavior wuz unacceptable, perhaps they might has stopped.  Bullies rely on da silence 'n timidity of others to get they way.. n' shit. 'n these well wishers wuz classic examples of da sort who passively enable bullies everywhere.

It wuz only afta we'd gotten our baggage 'n wuz in da ride service on da way home dat Zahava turned to me 'n said, "Did yo' ass notice?"

"Notice what?" Ah said.

"All da security personnel outside da aircraft.. n' shit. 'n da fact that, even though our bags wuz relatively late to come off da conveyor, the family who had been behind us neva made dat shit to baggage claim."

Ah has naw idea what mad happened to them.  Dat shit may be dat we just didn't see 'em (although Zahava wuz clearly lookin' fo them).  Dat shit may also be dat one or both of da parents wuz detained 'n maybe even charged fo they disorderly behavior on da flight.

Ah don't know, 'n Ah don't care.  Ah know dat shit be not particularly in keepin' wid da seasonal spirit of forgiveness.., know what I'm sayin'? but Ah firmly believe dat there be a special punishment reserved fo such people.  And dat if they be not punished in dis world., man. da world to come holds an unpleasant surprise or two for muthas like that.

Back n' shit. Finally.

We're back.  A couple of stories to tell lata on.  But first a video dat has me mesmerized:

[watch to da end]

Shopped out 'n homesick

It has been phat seein' family.., know what I'm sayin'? but Ah be so sick of shoppin' dat if Ah don't see da inside of a store fo anotha ten years, I'll be fine.

Except an Apple store.  Ah want an iPad so badly Ah can't even tell yo' ass how much gots to powa dat shit be takin' to wait until they release a version wid a built in camera (for video calls), mic 'n a USB port.

Da lost luggage saga

So da lost suitcase Ah mentioned earlia turns out to be anythin' but an isolated bit of wack luck on our part.

My parents came in a few days lata on da same airline (Austrian).. n' shit. 'n they had two of they bags opt fo separate vacations.

Since landing, every day (multiple times pa day) we called up da numba we'd been given by Austrian Airlines 'n listened to da same recorded voice tellin' us dat while da office wuz open, they wuz busy dealin' wid otha customers, so we'd has to leave a message 'n someone would get back to us.

Needless to say, nobody eva called us back.

Finally we started sendin' emails to da address listed in our lost baggage form.  First one a day, 'n then several emails each day.., know what I'm sayin'? wid increasingly creative use of invective 'n expletives.  

At long last Zahava gots an email from a ho in Israel representin' Austrian Airlines (presumably because dat wuz our point of origin) askin' how to reach us by phone (we'd included our phone numba in every email).  Zahava sent it, 'n within a few minutes da ho actually called.  In addition to  tellin' us our bag had so far vacationed in Amsterdam, tha byatch authorized Zahava a budget of $150 dollars to go buy some replacement clothes (which tha byatch confirmed in a follow-up email).

Many of yo' ass may not know Zahava.  Where most muthas would take dat $150 bucks 'n buy a pair of shoes or a dress.., know what I'm sayin'? tha byatch headed out on a hard-target search of every outlet store within a 4 hour radius, hell-bent on findin' already discounted items, marked down several times.., man. 'n on close-out.  Talbots 'n Old Navy wuz especially hard hit.  And when da dust had cleared, Zahava had an entire new wardrobe, And change left ova from da $150 fo accessories!

But still our wayward suitcase (and ma parent's two bags) remained abroad.

It turns out dat our bag wuz reluctant to cut short its European vacation 'n had made its way from Amsterdam to Athens where dat shit wuz havin' a phat time ("wish yo' ass wuz here dahling.. n' shit. mwah!").  Several attempts to send dat shit to JFK via Olympic airways, 'n otha carriers failed. 

My parent's suitcases wuz just gone.  AWOL.  Vanished.  Sorry.  Naw idea.

Each passin' day brought a fresh lack of news.  And now ma parents (who had not yet been authorized to shop-til-they-dropped) wuz getting, um, annoyed (understatement.. n' shit. has yo' ass met ma mother?!).

Then last night around 8PM we gots a call tellin' us dat all three of our bags would be delivered to da family compound between midnight 'n 1 AM.  And so dat shit was.  And we all lived happily eva after.

Moral of da story:  If yo' ass don't mind rewashin' da same outfit fo a week, yo' ass should fly Austrian Airlines wheneva possible.  Yo' ass might even get to buy yourself some new togs.

P.S.  We had a very short stopova in Vienna on da way here, but da day-long visit Ah axed yo' help in plannin' be not takin' place until da homeward leg of da trip.  I'll let yo' ass know how dat shit goes.

Passing

In ma last post Ah made a sarcastic reference to ma parent's place in Westport as 'the family compound'.. n' shit. as if we wuz Kennedy's or something.

Da fact is, growin' up in Connecticut one learns all da signalin' behaviors required to be accepted.  To explain dis let me quote ma homie Ben Chorin:

".. n' shit. signalin' behavior [is when] members of da community do apparently costly 'n useless things simply to signal to each otha dat they be reliable colleagues, man. One wears just da right sort of hat 'n frock (or jeans 'n earring), eats da approved foods, 'n so on, know what I'm sayin'? Da 'mo tight-knit 'n insular da community, da 'mo costly 'n bizarre da signals 'n hence da 'mo exclusionary."

Now, in da quote above, Ben wuz describin' da way members of Haredi communities act to ensure inna identification,  In WASP enclaves like New England, there be also behaviors one learns, 'n signals one adopts in orda to gain acceptance (or at least to not stand out). 

Like light skinned blacks who attend da 'right schools' 'n learn to speak wid academic accents in an attempt to 'pass',  many Jews in da U.S, man. go to phat sartorial, linguistic 'n culinary lengths to gain admission to non-Jewish society 'n mingle freely in da rarefied social strata of da 'goyim'.

Ah loved bein' a New Englanda 'n embraced pretty much all of da requisite signs 'n behaviors required to fit in.  Ah can still tie da leatha laces on ma docksiders just so 'n favor LL Bean ova just about any otha brand.  And even afta becomin' religious (an act which required settin' myself apart in many ways), Ah retained ma taste fo WASPy fashion. 

Heck, even though Ah had to swear off lobsta tail 'n bacon when Ah embraced Jewish culture, da taste of summa blueberries 'n sweet corn still brings canoes full of youthful memories floodin' back.

Ah noted dat on da first couple of days dat we wuz here in Westport, when Ah wore a ball cap around town, Ah moved effortlessly among da neighbors 'n shopkeepers.  But today when Ah went out wearin' a kippah, a polite but impenetrable barria sprung up around me 'n muthas greeted me wid da phat cordiality normally reserved fo foreigners who take care of da yard work.

Drivin' down da Merritt Parkway in ma parent's BMW, Ah looked at da drivers around me 'n knew dat to them, Ah appear to be just anotha local on da way to da tennis club or to play a round of golf.  But despite our common taste in cars 'n clothes (and sports).., man. these muthas be as strange 'n different from me as da muthas Ah encounta in India or Sri Lanka. 

Da point be dat while da muthas of Sri Lanka 'n India (and American Blacks, fo dat matter) has rich 'n valuable cultures of they own, 'n tastes 'n traditions dat be every bit as substantial 'n valid as da ones Ah grew up with.., man. dat shit would be as silly fo me to try to 'pass' in one of those cultures as dat shit would be fo me to continue to try to 'pass' as a WASP.

Da U.S n' shit. has been wonderful to da Jews, 'n continues to offa nearly unparalleled opportunities to ma muthas to excel in any field they choose.  Ah say 'nearly', because there be one otha country where Jews can excel at anythin' they choose.., man. 'n do so while neva feelin' da slightest needs to 'pass'. 

Ah don't mad has to mention dat shit by name, do I?

Jetlagged

Flight from India to Israel landed on Friday.. n' shit. 'n da flight from Israel to New York (via Vienna) took off early Sunday morning.  

Da flights to Europe 'n da U.S, know what I'm sayin'? wuz punctuated by ma excited six year old sittin' next to me alternatin' between lookin' out da window 'n askin' me if we be there yet.  Da whole way.  Naw exaggeration.  Seriously.

Luckily da Austrian Airlines planes wuz both clean 'n new, 'n da flight attendants (who looked like da result of a Third Reich eugenics experiment) wuz pleasant 'n helpful.  

We arrived safely at JFK but wuz less than pleased to find dat one of our suitcases (Zahava's) opted to take a side trip to Amsterdam.  Da lost luggage agent seemed just a little 'n all glib wid ha explanation fo dis to has been an aberrant event, know what I'm sayin'?

We be now safe 'n sound at da family compound in Westport, 'n dat shit be only da smell of da ocean 'n da promise of bein' lulled 'n all sleep by da sound of da surf dat be keepin' me sane right now.

Israeli politics look strange from here

It gots to has been a mis-print.., man. or perhaps I'm just tired. 

But does anyone else find dat shit just a tad ironic dat Defense Minista 'n Labor Party chairman Ehud Barak announced dat tha dude be against deportin' illegal immigrant children because, "expulsion be anti-Jewish".

Excuse me?!  And where wuz yo' Jewish soul in 2005?

Ah needs to get some sleep.., man. Ah gots to be hallucinating.

Some favorite things

A couple of things Ah love about visitin' India:

Jasmine.  Ah love da smell of fresh Jasmine.  And dat shit be seemingly everywhere in Chennai (Madras).  But best of all, here in da state of Tamil Nadu, many of da hoes walk around wid fragrant strands of fresh cut Jasmine woven into they hair.., know what I'm sayin'? so at da most unexpected moments, walkin' down da street, a waft of Jasmine gots to sock yo' ass right in da nose! 

 

Masala Chai.  I'm not about to give up phat coffee as a way to start ma day.  But just about everywhere i go throughout ma day Ah be offered a cup of 'Masala'; a heavenly blend of spices brewed wid tea, hot wata 'n milk.  Yo' ass can buy Masala Chai teabags pretty much anywhere in da world which already has da spices 'n tea mixed.  But Ah plan on buyin' a nice supply of da spices before Ah go home so Ah can brew da stuff myself at home.

Anyway.., know what I'm sayin'? it's been a long few days 'n Ah needs to get to bed.  Maybe I'll call room service fo a last cup of Chai before bed.